HAVE you ever felt the need to disengage from someone because of the toxic behavior they show? Or was there an instance when you considered removing people in your life, may it be a friend or a family member, because of their abusive and manipulative tendencies?
The phrase “cutting off” has been quite a trend on TikTok, and it refers to the act of ending a relationship with someone– whether it’s platonic, romantic, or family– without the intention to communicate or interact with them again in the future.
In the short-form video sharing site, users have shared the reasons they considered before removing a friend from their circle and how cutting off toxic relationships helps to set healthy boundaries.
For some, burning bridges with people is one of the best methods to get out of a feeble connection with those who cause them mental distress.
Although it might be difficult for them to let go of negative people who have touched some aspects of their life, there are times when ending the relationship is the only way to end a conflict. It rarely feels good to sever ties with friends, family members, and romantic partners, but cutting them off is sometimes necessary for the sake of one’s growth and sanity.
However, this concept isn’t black and white as there are several things to consider before finally detaching from someone for good.
Cutting off defined
According to addiction counselor and psychotherapist Unica Pendon, cutting people off is committing an irreversible decision to detach from or discontinue a relationship permanently.
Meanwhile, “Millennial Psychologist” Riyan Portuguez described it simply as removing a person from someone’s life or circle.
Both psychologists noted that burning bridges with negative people, especially those who caused emotional pain and discomfort, is healthy and it generally improves one’s well-being.
Portuguez further said that it somehow helps people set healthy boundaries, recharge, reflect, and restore their self-esteem and self-worth.
But is it ghosting?
While the two terms are sometimes used interchangeably, cutting off people should not be mistaken as “ghosting,” another Gen Z slang for digital departure.
As Perdon noted, some people ghost others without the intent to cut ties with them.
She emphasized that cutting off people means ending a relationship for good, while ghosting may circle on the concepts of just postponing any means of communication with another person without ultimately disconnecting the relationship.
“Ghosting naman is not always nag-cucut talaga ng ties or relationship because sometimes, a person is ghosting another person [because] mayroon lang siyang pinagdadaanan, nagpapahina lang siya — internet or communication detox,” Pendon told republicasia.
Cutting off has an element of finality, she said.
“When we say cutting off kasi, parang there’s no going back. You are ending the relationship permanently. You do not want to work things out,” she added.
She also said there are instances when people ghost someone to completely break off the relationship, but not all ghosting cases can be considered cutting ties with them.
Burning bridges: Why does it happen?
Individuals sever ties with their family and friends for a variety of reasons. While people assume that an individual only cuts off ties with someone due to abusive and toxic dispositions, Portuguez said that there are times when people just disengage with their peers because they don’t see any point to continuing the relationship.
“May mga instances tayo wherein we tend to cut off people from our lives kasi we don’t see the [relationship] flourishing, na parang there’s no growth, or parang walang direction yung mismong relationship na mayroon tayo,” Portuguez said in a separate interview.
This commonly happens between friends, she said.
People usually remove friends and family members from their lives when there is a past history of or ongoing abuse.
This was the case with Erica Calingacion, a 32-year-old recruitment manager. In an interview with republicasia, she shared that she cut her brother off following a “series of rude and offensive behaviors” he showed.
“Yung behavior nya the previous years na puro manipulation, guilt-tripping, gaslighting, and yung general abusive tendencies nya, which are the reasons bakit namin sya hindi cinontact for a long time, has been repeated this time around,” she said.
The repetitive abuse and toxicity from her sibling compelled her to permanently remove him from her life.
“You cannot apologize for a mistake you’re [about to make] again. Yung apology kasi for me, it should be accompanied by a change in behavior,” she added.
Pendon said ongoing toxic behavior could also force people to disengage from their peers. This may include anger, cruelty, disrespect, deception, and hurtfulness.
Accountancy student Hannie Estrada, 22, is a testament to this. She recently burned bridges with a male friend who made up false stories about them and told his pals that they had a romantic relationship that ended because of her physical health condition.
“Before [we became] friends, he confessed that he likes me and I instantly declined his feelings,” she said.
“Little did I know, he made up a story and told his friends that we were in a relationship and we kissed, which is not true, and that we broke up because of my condition, which is also not true because I told him that I don’t see myself being in a relationship,” she added.
She cut him off her life because she also felt betrayed and used.
Another reason for cutting off a relationship is feeling unaccepted or unsupported.
“It can be either by friends, families not supporting their life choices, relationships, or yung status nila or other things that are important to the life of that individual,” she said.
Call center agent Judy Payacag, 23, said she burned bridges with some people in her circle because they weren’t supportive of her feats.
“They are not happy with the achievement that I received. I cut them off because I feel like I am not growing when I’m with them,” Payacag said.
Moreover, they were poking fun at her mental health condition, she said.
While most people burn bridges with others to end a toxic relationship, Portuguez said this is not always the case.
There are some individuals who cut ties with other people not because they are abusive but because they want to prevent damaging another relationship.
Take the case of 24-year-old Marvie Evangelista. In an interview, she shared that she felt the need to cut off a former relationship partner because she doesn’t want this to affect her relationship with her current girlfriend.
“I didn’t want my girlfriend to feel uncomfortable knowing that I still talk to someone I used to like or date,” Evangelista said.
She said that sometimes, if people want to keep things and people, there would be a need to sacrifice something else in return. In her case, it was her friendship with an ex.
Is it necessary to explain?
Pendon said that when we cut off people from our lives, we prioritize our mental well-being. Hence, it is not important to explain why we want to terminate the relationship because we’re doing it for ourselves.
She added that explaining things would imply that the person wants to work things out instead of ending the relationship.
“Explaining can result pa in bargaining and negotiating, which is parang magpapatuloy lang yung cycle ng going on and off. It implies working things out pero kasi that’s why you want to cut ties, kasi ayaw mo nang ituloy yung relationship, so you don’t need to explain,” said Pendon.
Portuguez also shared a similar insight.
It is best to withdraw from negative people to protect oneself from toxicity, she said. And she stressed that it is not necessary to consider what these people might feel with regard to the decision to cut them off if it meant safeguarding one’s peace of mind and self-care.
Calingacion also shares the same sentiments. She believes people should be sensitive to how others might feel with every action they do, and she doesn’t think she has to explain her reaction to them.
“Naniniwala kasi ako na hindi ko naman kailangan i-explain yung response ko sa offense or emotional pain na in-inflict sa akin ng tao, whether intentional or not. Kasi we should always be aware of how we treat other people as much as we are aware of the things they do to us,” she said.
But raise awareness first
But psychologists Pendon and Portuguez also stressed that it is important to make people aware of their faults before ultimately deciding to cut them off. It will help them see things in a different perspective, making room for growth and character development.
Pendon said that making the toxic or negative people aware of their mistakes would help them identify the underlying issues they have. Some people show toxic tendencies because they may be suffering from mental health or psychiatric conditions, she noted.
“Baka hindi lang tayo yung may kailangan ng fixing o hindi lang tayo may kailangan ng help. Baka sila din. Baka pag natulungan natin sa mga problems nila, magbabago ang kanilang behavior or attitude towards us or doon sa quality ng relationship natin with them,” she said.
Portuguez also emphasized that everyone has the tendency to be a toxic person, which is why it is crucial to have someone who would point out those unhealthy behaviors.
“Hindi natin jinajustify yung toxic behavior pero mayroon kasing tendency na maging toxic din tayo, parang mahirap din naman na walang mag-popoint out sa atin ng blindspot natin, parang hindi ba natin deserve na malaman kung saan din tayo nagkukulang? So parang yun din, putting yourself doon sa shoes ng ibang tao so baka kasi unaware din sya,” said Portuguez.
“Kung kakayanin, magkaroon pa rin ng opportunity para ma-communicate yung na-fifeel natin don sa person, para mayroon din syang room for growth,” she added.
Things to consider when cutting off people
While severing ties with people, especially with those whom one shares a close and tight bond, is easier said than done, eliminating toxic relationships is crucial to maintaining a healthy mental well-being.
Pendon said the first thing to consider before burning bridges with someone is the degree of the relationship.
Friendships and romantic relationships can be ended, but she said one cannot cut off family relationships because “we are wired with them biologically.”
Another thing to consider, as per Portuguez, is the severity of the behavior involved. Actions such as manipulation, abuse in whatever form, disloyalty, and dishonesty are usually deal breakers.
“Non-negotiable ito. If there is betrayal and dishonesty, kapag kunwari abusive and manipulative, enough reason yun para i-cut off yung isang tao kasi kahit na anong relationship,” she said.
She further said that people should consider if a relationship is hindering their personal growth.
“If you feel like this person drains you, kumbaga generally, hindi sya nakakatulong for you to become a better person, I think it’s also one reason for you to cut off yung ganong type of person,” she said.
An opportunity to reflect and heal
People on the receiving end of a decision to sever ties should use this as an opportunity for self-evaluation, especially when a close friend or family member was the one who decided to cut them off, said Portuguez.
She said burning bridges only happens when one oversteps on someone else’s boundaries, or if they did something wrong.
“It’s time you have to reevaluate yourself, ano ba yung mga bagay na nagagawa mo sa kapwa mo, baka nagiging insensitive ka pupwedeng nang-iinvalidate ka, o kaya naman baka may na-ooverstep ka. Kasi kung wala ka rin namang na-ooverstep, hindi ka naman kailangang i-cut off,” she said.
This could also be a good opportunity for them to heal, especially if their toxic and abusive behaviors towards others are caused by their mental and emotional distress.
“Baka meron din silang mga conditions that they need to heal with or recover from,” Pendon said.
