HAVE you ever found yourself stuck in the dating market, talking from one guy to another? At the beginning, everything seemed to go well. Suddenly, like all your previous relationships, they begin to lose interest and you end up catching yourself being the one to pursue them?
If you are tired of these dynamics, let me tell you something. You’re doing it wrong.
By saying this, it I do not mean to urge you into mind games, but to instead, level up your game and remind yourself why you shouldn’t bend too much in order to keep a man.
Sherry Argov’s, “Why Men Love Bitches” provides a comprehensive explanation in this dynamic. By changing the typical definition of the word ‘bitch’, Argov goes into detail how there can still be a hope for you.
1. The Nice Girl
Do you find yourself agreeing to last-minute invitations on dates? How about changing the way that you look only to appear exactly as how the man you are dating wants you to be? If yes, then you are a nice girl.
“When a woman is trying too hard,
a man will usually test to see how hard
she’s willing to work for it. He’ll start
throwing relationship Frisbees,
just to see how hard she’ll run
and how high she’ll jump.”—Principle 4.
When women are dumped, or they began to feel that their man is losing interest in them, the first thing they will question is how he had become capable of losing interest in her, when she’s smart, successful, kind, beautiful, and all other adjectives that exist to validate herself that she’s unworthy of the treatment she’s getting.
However in reality, it is not about looks, intelligence or even money. It is about having clear boundaries. What separates a nice girl from a bitch (as this book describes a strong woman who has her own identity and self-security) is that the bitch does not bend too much to please him.
This is common with ladies especially when they are just new to dating. In order to keep a man, they’d be willing to do whatever he asks for or whatever standards he provides just to ensure she has his eyes locked on him. I resonate with this because back then, the guy that I was dating told me that rebonded hair suits me better. I have naturally wavy hair, and a rounded-heart shape face. It’s one of the hairstyles I am certain that will not compliment my features, and yet I did get a rebond.
I ended up not keeping him and had to wait years before my hair could grow back to its natural type. Currently, I am maintaining a butterfly haircut accompanied with haircare products to maintain its texture.
Was it worth it in the end? Of course not. I’ve appeared desperate in order to keep his attraction, going as far as compromising how I would like to appear. In reality, would you like to only keep someone because you conform to what they want all the time?
2. I am NOT enough vs. I am enough, take it or leave it
“It is better to be disliked for being who you are
than to be loved for who you are not.”—Principle 11
One factor that makes a ‘bitch’ stand out from the nice girl is her confidence. While the nice girl overthinks 24/7 if her man will leave her for another, a bitch moves to her rhythm, prioritizing her goals and what she has on her calendar. She doesn’t compromise, she keeps her standards high. She doesn’t cancel scheduled plans just to welcome a last-minute date invitation. She navigates everything according to how she sees it fit.
Most ladies who are head over heels for their men are willing to adjust their schedule based on the man’s availability. While this can realistically happen in relationships, if it happens frequently at the early stage, doesn’t that mean he is incapable of making plans?
What nice girls should work on is being fine with them walking away. For as long as the problem is not with their character or who they are as a person, men walking out of their doors should be fine—especially those who are expecting to be treated like a princess.
Furthermore, being the kind of girl who says yes and compromises to everything FOR A MAN, will only make you resentful overtime. Doing things for them that are against your will but not being able to voice out that you refuse to please them will only build up grievances in your heart. Once it is eventually unveiled that they no longer wish to be with you because you have finally learned how to establish boundaries, you may end up being full of hatred while mentioning the sacrifices they didn’t ask for, but you did anyway, just because you are scared to decline them.
3. When You Come First
“There’s nothing more prized to a man than
something he had to wait for, work for, or
struggle a little bit to get.” —Principle 19
In case you have forgotten, it’s you, the lady who should be pursuing. Not the other way around. When your self-esteem is too low, you unconsciously seek validation from the wrong people and wrong places. Forgetting who you are, your worth and your capabilities alone, as a woman is the main reason why you’re forgetting that you are the prize.
I know that we are in the modern generation and that women are now capable of doing what men can do. However, being capable of doing men’s endeavours doesn’t mean you’ll give yourself freely without making them earn you. Your attention, your time, and your presence is valuable. Make sure you don’t give it away for free. A man needs to prove not only his worth, but his intentions, his capability to protect you, make your role in his life known to the world, and lastly, his ability to provide for you. The end point of dating is settling down—building a life together. If he is incapable of being generous enough to provide, then managing finances in the future can be a struggle.
4. Silence than Nagging
“Men don’t respond to words, they respond to no contact.”
Women are known to have an armalite-like mouth when they are triggered thinking that spitting too many words would make men understand. However, most men do not get the reason behind the nagging. Most of them ignore what is being said, hoping that the noise will end soon. As they do this, women on the other hand are left feeling invalidated and unheard, adding to the long list of grudges they already have for their men.
Argov recommends silence instead. What she meant is pulling back one’s energy when their man does something inappropriately. Others see this as a form of manipulation called silent treatment. However, men notice the changes in behaviour of their women more than it is being said word per word. Pulling back a little, then, when the changes in your behaviour has already been noticed and they ask you what led to your distance, sit down and talk calmly about the issue. In this way, you get to communicate healthily, without depleting your energy simply because your man did something wrong.
5. When it’s time to go
“The bitch won’t allow herself to be with a man who is biding his time until something better comes along.”
Ever heard of the term, “placeholder”? They are the girls whom men date and call their girlfriend, but in reality they are just there to keep him entertained and accompanied. Once their ideal girl comes along, she’ll get dumped leaving her as she questions herself.
A “bitch” realizes a genuine investment from not. A placeholder settles for less because she’s satisfied with just a fraction of him. On the other hand, a “bitch” knows that when a man is incapable of moving mountains just to be with her, he is not yet certain of her.
In this case, if you ever find yourself with a man who is incapable of giving you the bare minimum, walk away. Instead of settling for less, instead of compromising your self-worth—walk-away.
Sherry Argov’s book was released in 2002, yet the advices she gave remains timeless. It is inevitable that the world will continue to spin towards modernity, challenging traditional gender roles and norms. However, what should remain constant is our self-respect as ladies, and our self-perception that we are indeed worth every hardship. Only by the moment we see ourselves valuable will we get the courage to lift our point fingers and decline everything that presents itself with mediocrity.
