Content warning: This article contains mentions of sexual harassment, abuse, and rape. 

RELATIONSHIPS can be a wonderful thing… when done right. Being someone’s partner means being able to get to know them, both the good parts and the bad. 

More than this, it means being with someone who you love and trust completely – and God forbid they do anything to break that trust. 

Several expectations come with relationships as well. Going on dates, getting to know you’re partner, and, for most, sex.

For some reason, a lot of people (men in particular) seem to believe that being in a relationship means that consent is something that’s given automatically – that any time you want to have sex, you can. 

The reality, however, is this belief is extremely harmful, and in some situations, even dangerous. Thousands of women are abused, harassed, and even raped as a result of this notion. 

As per the Philippine e-Legal Forum: “In marriage, sexual community is a mutual right and obligation between husband and wife. Sexual intercourse is theoretically consensual, obligatory even, between husband and wife.”

But this isn’t just limited to married people; this happens within many couples’ relationships. It can even happen between friends or family. 

The sad truth is that at present, women don’t seem to be safe anywhere, not even with the people who are meant to love and protect them the most.

The people you love

When Emma, 19, first met John*, he asked her to be his girlfriend only a few days after they first met. Eventually, when they did get together, he started begging to have sex with her every day, but Emma wasn’t ready, scared because it would be her first time doing so.

“Eventually I gave in because I was scared of being raped, so I had sex with him consensually,” she said in an interview with Republicasia.

While in John’s bedroom, Emma was asked if they could have sex. Emma refused because they didn’t have a condom, and she hadn’t yet started birth control. He kept begging, but she said no, so they eventually settled on just cuddling. 

Later on, however, John would penetrate Emma despite her saying no several times. 

“In that moment, my body froze – I couldn’t even put my clothes back on,” she said.

“He kept asking me to talk to him, but I couldn’t. We both started bawling our eyes out. Then he kept grabbing my boobs thinking that would make everything better. It was heartbreaking.”

Brianna’s* experience, on the other hand, happened with a friend when she was just the same age as Emma. 

That night, she and James* had plans to go out with friends for drinks. The two of them met up in his dormitory beforehand, and there was oral sex that was performed, but nothing further. 

At the end of the night, she asked if she could stay in his room, unable to go home given how drunk she was. Immediately upon their arrival, she lay down on his bed and went to sleep. 

While on the verge of blacking out completely, Brianna suddenly felt James start touching her, and then unbuttoning her pants. He continued to do so for a few moments, then eventually gave up and went to sleep. She went home the next day shaking, not even bothering to wake him. 

The next day he messaged her and said with a laugh: “Sorry about yung pag-uwi natin, I was trying to touch you there, but ‘di ka pumalag so we slept.”

She lied and said she didn’t remember anything. She still cries about it to this day.

Later on, she would talk about this experience with another friend and would ask him if she had a right to feel that she’d been violated. She tried to reason that maybe since she’d given consent when she was sober, then James just assumed that that consent still applied when she was drunk. 

But her friend reminded her that consent is constant. Sure, you gave it before, but you didn’t give it when it happened. More importantly, in that moment, he didn’t even bother to ask.

She said: “For a long time, I thought I had no right to be upset about what happened – that maybe he thought I wanted it too, or that he just didn’t know any better. But I think that was just my way of coping with what had happened to me: just pretend like it wasn’t a big deal so I could ignore how much it was actually hurting me.”

Meanwhile, Emily’s* abuser had been her husband. She married Michael* when she was 21 years old, and was only able to find the strength to divorce him when she turned 25.

They met at a friend’s birthday party when she was 18 and he was 19, getting engaged a year later.

She said that Michael became increasingly controlling during their relationship. Her mother disapproved strongly of him, and Emma’s engagement to Michael nearly ruined her relationship with her mother because she felt that the marriage would be a mistake. 

“As our wedding date got closer, I had this odd feeling – like our wedding was more of a business transaction,” she recalled.

“Everything was subtle, the red flags were just flags with rose-colored glasses on, just a feeling of unease. But our wedding night was when I got to see who I had married.”

During their wedding, Emily quickly realized that Michael wanted to hang out and have fun with his friends more than he did his wife. He’d even shooed her away so she could dance with them, only coming back to her after a scolding from his sister.

She added: “He told me not to have more than two drinks or we’d ruin our chances at sex that night, but he got drunk and was taking shots with his buddies. I remember standing in the middle of the crowd of people with tears in my eyes because I couldn’t find my new husband.”

After they got back to their hotel, Michael almost immediately told Emily to take her dress off. She told him that she was too tired, and didn’t want to have sex that night. She was also hurt and angry given that he’d practically snubbed her for most of their wedding. 

Instead of telling her that was okay, however, he instead disagreed because they’d already promised to do it on their wedding night.

“I couldn’t argue because he was already pushing me onto the bed and on top of me,” she stated.

“It hurt, and I was frightened by how much blood I had to clean up after. I bled more than I had when I lost my virginity.”

This wouldn’t be the last time that this would happen. Throughout their marriage, Emily would find Michael making all the decisions for them; any time she had an opinion of her own, he’d say that it wasn’t what was “best” for them. 

Oftentimes he’d lay out their plans for the day, with sex included. 

Even if Emily would say she wasn’t up for it, he’d act as if she’d already promised it to him, just because she’d said “We’ll see if I’m up for it or not” earlier on.

“It was either “yes” or “no,” and no could always be coerced [into] a yes if he pushed me hard enough,” she explained.

“It was mental manipulation; he’d whine for a bit then change the topic if he sensed I wasn’t going to give him what he wanted. If he realized I wasn’t feeling it and couldn’t pressure it out of me, he’d then tell me I [needed] to clean the house more or complain about my hobbies. He talked about things he provided for us and ways I needed to pick up the slack.”

Emily added that any sex that they did have was purely for his pleasure; for her, it just hurt.

Any time she would bleed, he’d give her a cheesy grin and say sorry, or tell her that she “likes it rough anyway.” Any time they finished having sex, he’d try to get her to promise even more sex in the future, or tell her he’d like it better if she put more effort into it.

She added: “I was, in theory, allowed to say no. However, in the last year of our relationship, I would be met more and more frequently with manipulation, gaslighting, [and] guilt for how insecure I was making him feel.”

When they wouldn’t have sex for a long time, he’d start making sex jokes, manipulating or gaslighting her into having sex. Any time she didn’t laugh at his jokes, he’d start whining, complaining, or crying, and any time she did laugh, he would assume that that was consent.

“If I tried to explain how uncomfortable I felt with his nagging sex jokes he’d get defensive and say they were the only way he could cope with not having sex,” she said. 

“If I persisted with not being enthused by his jokes he’d be upset and turn the heat up on making me feel guilty for how insecure he felt. It felt like I could never find the right words to explain my lack of comfort with how he pursued sex.”

Aftereffects 

Even now, Emily questions why she wasn’t a good enough wife. There are certain expectations to have from your spouse or partner, however, sex shouldn’t be a prerequisite for love. 

During her marriage, Michael took the fact that Emily was his wife as a sign of consent, which is not how marriage works. It got to the point where she had to start bringing her clothes to the bathroom just so she wouldn’t get groped while dressing up or showering. 

She went into a deep depression soon after getting married, staying up late with dark thoughts, and even contemplating suicide because she felt it was the only way she could be free again. 

Eventually, she felt like she couldn’t trust anyone, not even able to tell others for fear of Michael finding out. 

Whenever he came home from work she’d hide and act as if she was just being playful, but part of her wished she could just hide from him forever.

Emma and Brianna also suffered from plenty of trauma and depression following this. Emma, for example, is still dealing with plenty of PTSD, anxiety, depression, and immense anger issues following what happened to her. 

Back in June, she put a photo of John on a punching bag, which quickly became her coping mechanism to deal with what had happened.

Eventually, she ended up hitting it so hard that she sprained her wrist. Even a year later, she was still taking cortisone shots, having to get surgery twice just for it to heal. 

Two years following the incident, her hand is still messed up, and she can’t do anything on her own. 

She also finds it harder now to be in relationships, often breaking down during sexual activity and seeing it as something that’s extremely mentally tasking. 

“I feel like I have to explain my story to guys so they understand, even though it’s my story and not everyone deserves to know,” she shared.

“I’m only 19 but refuse to get in relationships because it was a boyfriend who did this to me. I’ve been with some great guys since, but refuse to date them because of fear [of] how my last relationship went.”

Things that don’t mean consent

No matter how long you’ve been with your partner, consent will always be a constant question. Being with someone means always making sure that they always feel safe and comfortable around you.

The right person won’t pressure you into doing things you don’t want to do. The right person won’t make you feel like there are things you have to do otherwise you’ll stop loving them. 

Emily is now in a loving relationship, and her partner is respectful of her physical boundaries. If she says she’s not in the mood, he doesn’t take it personally. He simply accepts it and moves on. 

There are many things people consider to be consent when in reality, they aren’t. Some examples Emma gives are when your partner says “maybe,” “later,” or “I don’t know” instead of yes. If it isn’t a definitive answer, then don’t push it. 

If your partner isn’t completely sober, they aren’t in the right headspace to consent either.

As said by Emily: “Consent is constantly and consistently something to be given.”

She adds that your partner being naked or wearing revealing clothing isn’t an invitation for sex, either, nor is simply wanting physical contact like kissing or hugging. 

She felt that there were certain expectations in her last relationship when it came to even the most basic signs of love and affection, and explains that when you’re in a relationship like this, it feels as if any sign of love means that you’re going to have sex. 

It’s a terrifying world to live in when simply loving someone can become a misinterpretation of consent that isn’t actually being given.

Most importantly, never be afraid to communicate with your partner about your boundaries. There is absolutely no problem with setting boundaries within your relationship because you should never feel like you have to do something for your partner, especially if it’s something as intimate as sex.

“It’s not ‘punishing’ your partner if you set the expectations for boundaries to be respected,” Emily said, adding that your love for someone does not and should not overvalue your boundaries and consent. 

“They shouldn’t bend or break just because you love someone so much. You have to uphold love and respect for yourself to know what boundaries you require, and you have to continue that practice of respecting yourself to ensure boundaries and consent are in turn respected.”

*The names of Brianna, Emily, James, John, and Michael have been changed for privacy purposes.