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The dating life of a transwoman

by RepublicAsia

THE 21ST century is definitely more accepting and welcoming of the LGBTQIA+ community than previous ones. 

However, there is no question that members of the community still experience remnants of the past generations’ views on sexuality. As such, the way they live their lives are massively affected, including and most especially their dating life. 

In the Philippines where transitioning is still a taboo for older generations, dating is a struggle for transwomen. Their identity and authenticity to themselves are almost always questioned. 

This then poses the question: what is it like to date as a transwoman? Is it harder? Does it feel liberating or does it feel like it’s caging you more?

Photo Courtesy: @ang.ta_rye | Instagram

Rye Joson, an early 20s trans woman, shared her experience of dating. Despite her natural beauty—yes, because she’s a non-operative transwoman—and the way she expresses herself, she believes that her self-expression and self-identity is still difficult for society to accept. 

When asked if she believed that there are remnants of the “straight” mindset that affect her dating life, she said, “The tropes of the past still linger until today which makes it hard to jumpstart dating as a trans woman. Some tropes include gays and trans women paying for their ‘boys,’ men are only meant for ‘real’ women, and trans women are just gays who hate themselves, trying to be someone else.” 

This statement proves that some people in our society still agree with the opinions of previous generations instead of being accepting of the LGBTQIA+ community.

With such ideology persisting, Rye said that it was hard to date as a trans person, mainly because most of the people she meets “don’t like commitment and sees me either as a friend or a one-night stand but mostly the latter.”

Photo Courtesy: @ang.ta_rye | Instagram

She said that one might think that there is a noticeable difference when it comes to dating, especially before she transitioned, but she expressed that “…there wasn’t much of a difference besides the range of who I can date. Before I transitioned, I identified as a cis fem gay and as the saying goes in the gay community ‘masc4mas’” it really was also hard to find guys open to my femininity. But if I were to compare, dating as a trans woman is harder. As a cis fem gay, it was easier to connect and possibly find a date with other gay men, and now as a transwoman, it is harder to look for people who accept and are open to dating transwomen.”

It was harder for Rye to find some connection because even inside the LGBTQIA+ community, there’s a feeling of not being accepted, of not being wanted or preferred. It is a known lore that most people do not see transwoman as a ‘real’ woman.

This thinking led to such incidents where transwomen (like Rye) feel like they must point out that they’re transwomen or else they’ll be “…labeled as a trap or something of the same idea.”

This makes it much harder for transwomen to date, because how could you feel as if you belong somewhere if the community you’re supposed to be in does not make you feel accepted? How can you feel free if you’re bound by the shackles of your own community? 

Rye also shared: “Besides the fact that I don’t know who to date and where to find a date—cis straight men are mostly not into trans women, cis bi men are mostly into cis men or women, and other genders I haven’t experienced yet.”

And even if there were people who were ‘easily accepting’ of her gender identity, they are usually just “…people who just fetishize and see trans people as something ‘fun’ and ‘exciting.’” 

Photo Courtesy: @ang.ta_rye | Instagram

It is a common experience for transwomen to be treated as fetishes, that they are an experiment that should be part of a ‘man’s experience.’ If they’re not these, they’re expected to be a ‘sugar mommy.’

This is more than painful for transwomen because they are treated as some kind of toy for the amusement of men. 

Not only that, just like most of the Generation Z in the dating market, Rye said that they almost always get ghosted and ignored when cis men find out that they’re a trans person. If this affects the rest of this generation vastly, then how much more for transwomen? 

“As a trans woman who’s in her early 20s and has never experienced being in a relationship, sometimes I think ‘Am I not worthy of love?’ I try to put myself out there at places and spaces I feel comfortable in but it never seems to work out. It affects me mentally and due to my dating life, I am slowly believing that I might grow old alone.” 

Photo Courtesy: @ang.ta_rye | Instagram

Rye emphasized that dating for fun is hard enough for them, but dating to find love? It affects them more in a way that it feels as if they’re suffocating with the idea that transpersons are unworthy of love, that they would stay alone for the rest of their lives because there are no people who could even accept them.

Rye said that she “…just hopes that more people would be interested and are willing to date and get to know trans women as much as any other gender.”

This Pride Month, whether or not you’re part of the LGBTQIA+ community, inclusivity is relevant and applicable to every living being. It is important to acknowledge all genders and treat them as they are: a human being like you and me. Regardless of their gender identity, they shouldn’t be boxed or set aside. Let them enjoy the life that is rightfully theirs. 

This is your gentle reminder that transwomen are women. 

With reports from Ashley Kristieanne Ignacio

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