Warning: This article contains mentions of abuse.
CHRISTMAS is a time for holiday cheer, rest, and of course, family.
Not everyone, however, has the optimal family set-up, and in a country like the Philippines, wherein the family is meant to always be your utmost priority, some cannot help but dread the holidays as they come ‘round the corner.
This can be for many reasons.
A report from the United Nations International Children’s Emergency Fund (UNICEF) found that about three out of five Filipino children experience violent discipline. This is even though laws have already been put in place to outlaw any form of violence toward children.
And this abuse does not always stop at adolescence, nor is it limited to only physical abuse.
There are many Filipinos who are unhappy in their homes, whether it be due to physical, emotional, mental, or verbal abuse. Some are often berated by their parents for things they cannot control, while others are faced with unrealistic expectations that they will have to uphold for the rest of their lives.
No matter the reason, it is important to remember that the experiences of these Filipinos should not be ignored, nor should they be belittled. The fact of the matter is that not everyone is blessed enough to have a healthy family dynamic, and it is not something that people should be shamed for.
It is thus surprise that more and more of the youth are starting to cut off family members they view as toxic, even moving out of their homes just to find some semblance of peace.
As the holidays roll around, there is an expectation to spend time with your family, and for obvious reasons, not everyone in the Philippines is capable of doing so.
To those spending the holidays away from their family, remember that there is nothing wrong with doing so. There is nothing wrong with protecting your peace.
To keep your spirits up, here are some pieces of advice to remember as the holidays approach.
- You are not wrong for setting boundaries.
If ever you are invited to a Christmas party and you don’t feel comfortable going, then don’t go. Who cares about what others may say or think when you know that the decision you’ll be making will be the most beneficial to your mental health?
There is nothing wrong with setting boundaries for you and your own healing. It is okay to say “No thank you, I will not be coming this year”, instead of spending the holidays with people who have, in time, become your new family.
If you do still want to go, there is no need to force yourself to interact with the people who have hurt you. Of course, it is up to you to uphold niceties or to be polite, but why force yourself to do anything beyond that?
It is a difficult thing to set boundaries, that is true, and it is even harder to maintain them. But no matter how much people may guilt trip you, telling you to “be the better person,” remind them that respect begets respect. Why give it to people who have never shown that same energy toward you?
- There is no need to accept anyone’s apology.
Just because the holidays are rolling around there is, for some reason, an expectation to forgive the people who hurt you.
If ever you are pressured into forgiving those who hurt you this Christmas, do not do so just for the sake of doing it, or to keep the peace.
It is okay to stand your ground. An apology, after all, is not a requirement; if anything, it is a grace that you give to someone if they are so deserving of it.
If any apologies are going to be going around this Christmas, make sure that it’s because you want to do so – because you truly forgive the person, or because you are finally at a place wherein you want to put everything that has happened behind you.
Do not do it for the sake of being a people pleaser (respectfully, from a fellow people pleaser.)
- It’s okay to take small steps – or even to not take them at all.
You are in charge of the situation at hand. You are in a place where, finally, you do not have to listen to what others tell you to do.
Don’t let other people force you back into the hole you have fought so hard to crawl out of.
In the holidays to come, do not force yourself to take big steps if you know you are not yet capable of them. There is no shame in baby steps: in leaving the festivities early when you do not feel comfortable, in speaking up when offhanded comments are made toward you, or in bringing a friend or partner to help you get through the holidays.
Hold onto the things and to the places that give you strength. Do not shy away from them, because they are there to help you, especially when you are in dire need.
To end, a piece of advice to those who continue to judge those who may not want to spend the holidays with their families: What people do is their business and theirs alone. They don’t know your story, so why pretend to know theirs?
