NEVER in my 23 years of existence have I been told my dreams are impossible. I was raised and honed with a mindset that dreaming is free. Indeed, dreaming is priceless, not until you wake up one day, driven to make them happen.
As a child, I dreamed of becoming a doctor. In grade school, I wanted to become a newscaster. Then, in senior high school, I considered becoming a lawyer. Too many dreams meant risking myself for tons of heartbreaks. Underprivileged, I’ve gambled my cards applying for state universities, with the highest hopes to have my future saved by the free tuition fee subsidy. I prayed hard and tried to be optimistic, only to be faced with constant rejections every time.
When I made up my mind to temporarily stop and work to save for my tuition fee next academic year, the tables turned in an instant. On the exact day I got the email that I was hired for my first job, I found in the spam folder of my email that I was reconsidered for a slot in the Polytechnic University of the Philippines (PUP). Mentally calculating the hours it would take to navigate a life of being fully employed while studying in college, I knew it was something I wouldn’t survive.
However, the urgency that screams from an economically devastated household couldn’t set me free from wanting to become a full-time student. At the time, my father was suffering from a mild stroke, and my mother could no longer sell food due to pandemic restrictions. I knew I had to step up, but I could not let go of the opportunity that came from one of the universities I have been eyeing for years. Therefore, I tried.
The original plan was to quit my job if it became unbearable. However, seeing how we were financially alleviated by my employment, I realized that quitting my job won’t make me finish my studies either. Therefore, I stayed.
For someone who has spent her life doing her best in her studies, it was heartbreaking to set my parents’ expectation that I may no longer achieve anything. It was overwhelming to realize that I belonged in a class full of brilliant minds when I was just there trying to survive. I couldn’t count all the times I held back my envy, seeing how I underwhelmingly performed back then. Others were getting praised, yet I only see red marks on the assignments I submitted.
Fortunately, my classmates are generous enough to check on me. Even without asking, my classmate Nickolo would update me about what I had missed in the class. Little by little, I started to make friends and began feeling that college could be bearable if you had the right support system.
Realizing that I need to prioritize survival over excellence, I have attended our classes with the thought that I just need to graduate. Despite fixating on this perspective, I still tried to act like a normal student. I’d listen to lectures even if I sometimes fell asleep unintentionally. I had the soft copies of our learning materials printed into hard copies, so I could read them while commuting.
I tried to catch up. I tried to fit in. Surprisingly, we were told we would be in face-to-face classes in our sophomore year.
The desperate bleeding hand on edge
Sophomore year had me on the verge of quitting. Whenever there was an on-site schedule, I had to attend six to nine hours of classes after a nine-hour shift, and then go straight to another nine-hour night shift.
I only come home to eat and take a bath. Then, I am nowhere to be seen again. One time, I broke down while walking on the sidewalk on my way to work because envy took over me again. After classes, my classmates can come home and rest, while I have to wait for another nine hours before finally having the privilege to lie in bed.
My breaking point was when I almost dropped out in the second year. I was crying in silence due to disappointment, not wanting to impose guilt on anyone. Fortunately, the kind words from the supportive people around me lifted me up. That’s when I developed the thinking that if I get through a day of struggle as a working student, I will get through the week. If I get through the week, months will pass until the semesters are completed.
The lifeline of trying
That thinking kept me going. Alongside were the things I had to sacrifice, like missing out on birthdays and post-celebrations after successful events, and bonding with my colleagues and classmates.
I am currently in my fourth year, last semester. I have also refrained from using the “working-student ako” card as much as possible because I do not want the privilege granted upon learning about my situation. I want to struggle equally and taste victory in the end at its sweetest.
Many may think this journey is purely an outcome of dedication, but it is not. It is greatly influenced by the support one gets not only from their family and friends, but also from professors and colleagues.
In our college, none of our professors humiliated us for falling short sometimes. We have never heard them make us choose between studying and working. They are very understanding and check up on us to ensure we are treated well at work. My colleagues at work do the same thing, too.
Perhaps, I am fortunate to have these people to help me keep going in life. Sadly, not everyone gets the same privilege. In an economy where the poor get poorer, the gap between the dreamer and their dreams continues to expand.
May we never be a storm in other people’s lives that puts off the fire by questioning them for trying. Words, although simple, extend beyond the moment it was said. Not everyone is capable of rising above the discouragements. Others end up drowning themselves in the prejudice that their dreams are really hopeless.
