FOR MANY PEOPLE, giving back to your parents is not just something one should want to do. Rather, it’s something that is either expected of them or required.

Some often become the sole breadwinner for their family when they start to earn more money, and with such a big responsibility, it’s hard to feel as if you’re allowed to take a break, much less spend your earnings on things you want. 

In studies cited in The Daily Mail and The Guardian, it was found that people who act as breadwinners often become depressed, or face negative health effects, 

There’s also a constant feeling of overwhelming pressure given the fact that it feels as if the livelihood of their families is riding on them and them alone. 

Why, though, is this such a popular thing? And should it even be a thing, given how depressed, overworked, and tired breadwinners often become?

From all over the world

The overworked breadwinner can be seen in almost any country you visit. Many famous people, for example, are often forced into fame. Who, after all, wants to be working day and night at three years old? 

Wil Wheaton, who played Gordie Lachance in the film “Stand By Me,” shared how when he was a child, he’d told his mother time and time again that he didn’t want to be an actor. He just wanted to be a kid. 

She would often just dismiss this, however, constantly gaslighting him and telling him that he really did want to be an actor. 

“As I got older, my only request, ever, was to please let me be a kid and stop making me work,” he wrote. 

The late Naya Rivera, an actress best known as Santana on “Glee,” recounts how her family faced several financial issues while she was growing up. After her father lost her job in 2001 and struggled to find work afterward, she was the only one in her family who had money.

In her book, she wrote: “For about three years, from the time I was 15 until I was a senior in high school, I was almost always financially helping my family in some way.”

“I felt like it wasn’t just my career riding on every audition, but potentially the roof over my family’s head,” she added.

In the Philippines, the issue between Olympic gold medal winner Carlos Yulo and his mother has been making rounds on the internet. 

Following the allegations saying that his mother had taken the incentives he’d won for herself, Yulo made a video on TikTok hoping that his mother could move past these issues, as he’d already forgiven her. 

Regarding this situation, one user on Reddit summarized it with the quote: “Success is relative; the more the success, the more the relatives.”

“Everyone loves a winner,” they wrote.

“People are often quick to associate themselves with a winner, who attracts attention and support that were absent during challenging times.”

Another on Facebook wrote: “Sometimes it’s best to cut off ties; stop with the toxic Filipino mentality of utang na loob.”

Utang na loob

In a Facebook post made by Yulo’s mother last year, she made a post saying that she didn’t regret having kids at a young age, then listing down the things that she did for them, such as sending them to school and providing for them. 

This seems to be a common trend within Filipino families: the concept of utang na loob, wherein you feel obligated to give as much as you can to your family as a means of paying them back for everything they’ve done for you – even if it means leaving nothing for yourself.

One user on Reddit talks about how, due to them helping out with their family’s expenses, they felt financially strained by the endless expenses. When they opened this issue up to their parents, their father reminded them of all the help and money they gave them years ago. 

“I had a realization that the utang na loob you owe to your parents will never get paid off,” they wrote.

“They will never recognize all the things that you’ve done for them, only thinking about what they’ve done for you.”

They added: “It’s tough being family-oriented when you’re a Filipino.”

No one asks to be born, yet many are made to feel like being brought into this world is a burden unto their family – a debt they have to repay. As a result, they sacrifice everything: their time, their money, and their dreams, all for the happiness of others. 

And any time you try to enforce some boundaries between you and your family, particularly concerning your familial obligations, you are made to feel bad about it. 

After all, think of all the things they’ve done for you, right? (Even though many of those things were just the basic responsibilities expected of a parent.)

It’s no surprise then why more and more Filipinos, particularly those in younger generations, distance themselves from their family as soon as they get the chance to do so: because it is only in this manner that they find freedom from the expectations of their family. 

There’s nothing wrong with helping your family out from time to time; we love our families, and of course, we appreciate everything that they do for us. What isn’t right, though, is giving so much that you leave nothing for yourself. 

What isn’t right is giving so much to the point that you’ve started hurting yourself in the process. 

Send money if they ask you for it, visit them from time to time to see if they need anything, but please don’t forget to leave some for yourself. Please don’t forget to live for yourself. 

Life is short, after all. Don’t spend all of it trying to get approval that, by the looks of it, you’re never going to get anyway.