FILIPINOS are known for their family-oriented culture, which our society values very much. We see family relationships as the key to support and stability, making it crucial to maintain these bonds because the concept of family is central to everyday life.

In a Filipino household, parents take on the role of primary authority figures, and children are expected to obey their rules and advice at all times. Elders earn deep respect in every family.

However, not all families are perfect, and not every child-parent relationship is healthy.

When familial issues arise, people often use forgiveness and acceptance as a last resort to keep relationships intact. Elders, who hold a position of high respect, are deemed always right and more knowledgeable. Thus, younger family members must always listen to and obey them.

No matter how toxic or unbearable the environment is, whether a family member who wronged another apologizes or not, brushing off accountability to protect the status of family relationships haunts most people.

That is why, when a Filipino family member cuts ties with a toxic relative, people often blame the person who ended the relationship instead of understanding why they decided to do so. 

People also force reconnection as if forgiveness is something to be taken lightly.

We often hear, “A family is still a family” in specific situations. While this message may seem uplifting, it can negatively impact someone, especially if others use it to gaslight and invalidate the feelings of a person who has ended a family relationship.

Are Filipinos ready for this conversation?

Our family-centric culture makes these situations unacceptable to most people.

Recently, after Filipino gymnast Carlos Yulo won two gold medals at the 2024 Paris Olympics, controversies regarding his family issues surfaced. 

His choice to sever contact with his biological family, especially his mother, has sparked more open discussions and an understanding of why many Filipino adult children are finding the courage to distance themselves from certain relatives.

While many people supported his decision to distance himself after experiencing trauma from his own family, others criticized his actions towards them.

“His public statements against his mother and family reveal a lack of emotional intelligence and maturity, showing a failure to understand the fundamental value of family, particularly the importance of a mother in one’s life,” said digital creator and lawyer Arnedo Valera in a Facebook post condemning Yulo.

Inka Magnaye, an internet personality, defended Yulo on her social media, saying that “utang na loob” culture is so cruel and that it releases the parents from all accountability.

Utang na loob

“Utang na loob” translates to debt of gratitude or debt of the inner self. It represents an obligation to repay a favor or kindness that someone has extended to you.

In Filipino families, “utang na loob” can reinforce existing hierarchies. For example, younger relatives might feel a stronger obligation to assist or defer to older relatives.

The concept can lead to high expectations, where individuals may feel they must continually prove their loyalty and support, sometimes leading to strained relationships if obligations are perceived as unfulfilled.

Understanding healthy family relationships

It’s high time to stop blaming family members who choose their peace and start holding toxic family members accountable for their actions.

There’s no perfect family, but a crucial aspect of healthy family relationships is understanding accountability.

Understanding accountability means recognizing that older family members aren’t always right and that fostering healthy relationships with all family members is essential.

Although hierarchy and authority in a family are significant, family members should exercise them in an environment where everyone feels comfortable expressing their thoughts and feelings.

In essence, accountability in a family helps build trust, respect, and open communication, which are essential for nurturing strong, supportive relationships.

Let’s learn and end the cycle of toxic family culture here.

With reports from John Cedrix Leppago