I HAVE always considered myself to be a people pleaser. For the longest time, I thought that was a good thing.

The one thing I hate most in the world is having people mad at me, so I try to avoid this as much as I can by doing what others want me to do, even when I don’t want to.

According to Psychology Today, being a people pleaser often stems from the belief that if you stop pleasing others, people will leave you. If you don’t do what others want, you’ll disappoint them, thus leading to punishment or negative consequences.

What people pleasers don’t seem to consider, however, is how this behavior affects them.

“I’m not hurting anyone,” you may say.

But you are. You’re hurting yourself, over and over again.

Negative effects

Psychology Today notes that being a people pleaser is often accompanied by low self-worth and a feeling of value attached to complying with others. You put the needs of others before your own, rarely ever saying no.

When you’re mistreated, you often take the blame or make excuses for others even though they’re the ones that hurt you.

You feel that love, in every shape or form, is conditional, that people are only going to love you as much as you agree with them. But the people that are worth sticking around for aren’t going to leave just because you say no.

Doing what others want can be nice for a while, but over time, the ugliness starts to show. Bit by bit, you start to crack.

You start to lose any ability to say no because you fear judgment or disappointment from others.

So what if you’re tired and don’t want to push through with your brunch plans? Your friend needs a shoulder to cry on, so go.

So what if you’re asked to run a grueling errand the night before a big test? Who else is going to do it, right?

In time, you’ll find yourself drained from living your life this way.

It’s exhausting to constantly choose to shut yourself up just so you can avoid conflict, doing things even when you’re too tired or aren’t comfortable doing them. It’s draining to apologize even for things that aren’t your fault.

Eventually, you start getting taken advantage of by others, with most not even realizing that they’re doing so because they’re under the belief that you want to be doing whatever they’re doing, too.

According to the blog Adventuring with Poseidon, being a people pleaser can also often lead to resentment. You start to feel angered that people don’t appreciate all that you’re doing for them, even in the times when you’re doing it more for your sake than theirs.

They write that people pleasing is not who you are – it is a part of you that, in time, becomes all of you.

You may think that you’ll only be happy if the people around you are happy, but take a good, long look at yourself. The reality is that you aren’t even happy now.

Girl, stand up!

Being a people pleaser is a hard habit to unlearn, but you need to understand that you are not responsible for the happiness of others.

Of course, there’s nothing wrong with being kind. Cheer up your friends when you can and hang out with your loved ones because you miss them. Remember, though, that there’s a difference between being kind and being a human doormat.

You may not realize this but your friends love you. Your family loves you. Your partner loves you. That isn’t going to change just because you say no occasionally. If it does, then maybe they don’t deserve to be a part of your life anyway.

Constantly living your life for the pleasure of others just goes to show how little you are allowing the people you love to know you. If you aren’t honest with them about how you’re feeling, you don’t allow yourself to fully connect with those around you, and that’s a rather shallow basis for friendship, don’t you think?

Don’t burn yourself out at the expense of others. I’ve been guilty of this nearly my entire life, and it’s a habit I’m having a hard time breaking until now.

My friends have known me to be the type of person to message them late at night, asking “Are you mad at me?” and feeling nothing but complete anxiety and dread until they reassure me that we’re okay.

If I’m being honest, it’s a horrid and tiring way to live.

When I finally learned how to start saying no, when I finally started standing up for myself, it felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. After all, why should I bend myself backward for people who wouldn’t even lift a finger for me?

It wasn’t about expecting anything in return, either. The simple reason as to why I said no was because I didn’t want to do it – and that’s okay.

Live your life being kind to others, and loving others, but most importantly, live your life for yourself.

As per the iconic Filipino saying: “Magtira ka para sa sarili mo.”