ONE month ago, I thought I had unknowingly given someone HIV. 

It was a message that I got from a past partner out of the blue: he’d found an irregularity down there and, without saying it directly, he started to insinuate that maybe I’d given him something.

My first reaction was to be angry–to feel hurt. As if being accused of something like that was a sign of dirtiness or something to be ashamed of. I remember keeping it a secret, only telling those that I thought would be able to help me with my predicament.

My next move was then to message the last person I’d had sex with to tell him the fun news that hey, I might have given you HIV! No biggie, just another regular Monday morning. 

I didn’t know anything about STDs, or HIV in general. I thought I was doomed forever, or that I would become a sexless social pariah for the rest of my life. I didn’t know how easy it was to set up an appointment to get tested, or that there were many ways to treat HIV if ever I were to find myself positive.

After the initial news, I was in shock for the entire day. And then the day after that. And then the day after that, I realized that I had to start taking action. Here’s what I did: 

Where to look

After talking to a few people, I found out that my only hope for a free, hush-hush way of testing would be through Love Yourself, an organization in the Philippines focused on raising awareness on HIV, STI, sexuality, gender, and the like. 

And upon doing further research, I found out that it offered free testing for STDs and HIV, and counseling as well. Some of its other services are for hormone therapy, HIV treatment, STI consultations, and the like. 

There are a lot of places you can go to get tested by Love Yourself; it has branches in Mandaluyong, Pasay, Manila, Cavite, Paranaque, Baguio, Alabang, and even Negros Occidental. But despite the many options available, visiting these wasn’t an option for me. How, after all, are you going to explain to your conservative parents that you’re going out to get tested for HIV when they grounded you just for having a pack of birth control pills in your bag a few years prior?

I was then left with only one other choice: take a testing kit at home through SelfCare, an organization spearheaded by Love Yourself that distributes HIV self-screening kits completely free of charge.

By answering a few quick questions, I had my testing kit delivered after a few weeks. I’m not going to go into depth on the whole process of using the kit because Love Yourself offers a video tutorial on exactly that, but let me give you a quick run-down so you know what to expect.

The testing process

I received SelfCare’s testing kit wrapped in a paper bag that was also filled with condoms and lube (hooray for freebies!).

In a box, you’ll find the testing kit. To do the test, you’ll need to prick your finger, and then use the screening device to take blood from your finger to see if you’re HIV positive or not. The process took me a little over 15 minutes to complete. 

All you’ll need is your kit and something to time yourself with, a hand to hold if you’re queasy around blood, and you’re all set.

In just 15 minutes, I found all my troubles washed away; the test came out negative. Suddenly, I felt like I could breathe again. 

The first thing that came to mind was to yell at the person who made me worry about whether or not I had HIV. And then the second emotion that washed over me was that of shame, because why the hell was I so angry? What was it about being safe and clean that I found to be so embarrassing? 

Why was sex–something so many of us do regularly, that we see so often in TV and films and literally everywhere–something I looked at with shame?

Harsh realizations

It was this process that made me realize just how clueless I was about HIV. 

I thought my past partner felt I was “trashy” because of his accusation. In reality, anyone can contract the disease, even those that haven’t had sex, since HIV can be transmitted through mucous membranes and blood as well as bodily fluids. 

Second, I assumed that just because I couldn’t see anything wrong with me meant that nothing was. While there are many symptoms that you can see that would indicate whether or not you have HIV, such as sudden weight loss or swelling lymph glands, there can be times wherein symptoms don’t show up at all. The only sure way to know whether or not you have HIV is to get tested. 

I also thought protection wasn’t important—that the pull-out method was enough. But using condoms is extremely important in reducing the risk of getting any kinds of STDs or HIV, so regardless of your sexuality or if you’re hooking up with random people or have a stable partner, condoms are always a must.

And worst of all, I thought that having HIV meant that it was the end of the world. But there are many ways to treat the disease, like the antiretroviral medicine that organizations like Love Yourself offer. While HIV can’t yet be cured, it can be treated.

The reality of HIV

Slowly but surely, HIV awareness in the world is making progress. One great example of this is the support shown for TikToker Zach Willmore, who started making videos documenting his HIV diagnosis in February of this year. 

In an interview with NBC News, he said that during his initial diagnosis, he felt as if it was the end of the world. Aside from talking about his own experiences, Willmore’s videos also help to educate people on how HIV is spread and how it can be treated. He has helped to create a safe space for people who may have the same disease, or those who want to get tested but are too scared or embarrassed to do so.

And in the Philippines, we have Pia Wurtzbach and Catriona Gray teaming up with Love Yourself to teach people that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to get tested for HIV. It’s a check-up like any other, after all.

Hopefully, one day, saying the words “I’m getting tested for STDS / HIV” will get the same calm, blasé response one would get after saying “I’m going to the dentist for a check-up.” 

Maybe not now, but someday.