There are many ways to deal with negative emotions.

Sometimes, we feel okay just by spending time with ourselves, like watching movies or series, eating good food, exercising, reading, playing games, and going out. . 

Other times, it is difficult for us to handle such feelings alone. This is where our trusted someone enters the picture. These individuals can be our family members, a special someone, or friends who help us feel a little better by letting us vent. 

But what if our trusted person exposed our woes to other people? Worse, to the source of our negative emotion? This is the case for Cathy, not her real name.

Wrong people

The 27-year-old social media manager could not forget the time when her close classmates told her about her discomfort and the person who caused her to feel that way.

The incident happened during Cathy’s theater class back in college, her first time working closely with a group.

Cathy supposedly had to work with different groups for the class since groupings usually change for every project, but she ended up collaborating with the same group of people for the rest of the semester.

It became easy for Cathy to feel comfortable and close with some of these familiar faces she had worked with for many months. As one of the group leaders, she had constant interactions with most of the members—except for one person.

“One of the leaders of the other group is a guy I barely talk to. In fact, I only talked to him once for an off-campus event where we had to watch a play, and it’s a location I haven’t gone to before,” Cathy told republicasia.

Cathy admitted that she’s the type of person who gets lost easily, specifically if it’s her first time visiting the place. So when she spotted the guy, she did not hesitate to ask him for directions to the venue.

While there was no further communication after that between the two of them, Cathy began to feel that something was off about that classmate in the following days.

She said this guy started to approach her every chance he got, particularly when she was alone. 

Cathy recalled that her classmate would sit or stand next to her whenever she was waiting for someone in the hallway, and then ask her random questions. There were also days where the guy would say hi to her multiple times in the hallway but would not say anything else after that. 

What made her more uncomfortable was whenever the guy would ask her to eat with him or offer to take her home when, in fact, they weren’t close enough to have such interactions.

“I wouldn’t call him a stalker because it seemed rude, but that was what it felt like to me,” she said.

Cathy brought this up to her close classmates, in hopes that they would understand her discomfort and fear towards the guy, and would help her deal with the situation. Unfortunately, it wasn’t what transpired next.

“Several of them ended up telling my concerns to the same guy. They thought it was funny that I was scared, and they even helped him get closer to me,” she narrated.

She added that even people outside their circle learned about her woes and also helped the guy talk to her.

Impact on the communicator

This response to her vent made Cathy reevaluate her relationship with those she considered her close classmates.

“I wouldn’t exactly call it betrayal, but it was more of, I don’t understand why they thought someone’s misery was funny. I don’t understand why they are helping him or why they’re asking me to give him a chance,” Cathy said.

Psychologist Gladys Canillo told republicasia that betrayal is a by-product of violating the trust, loyalty, and confidence of an individual. 

Such a scenario may damage the person’s relationship with someone they trusted. 

“Kumbaga, stress na nga siya, may problema na siya, and then suddenly, may ganong add up stressor pa,” Canillo said.

Aside from the negative impact on their current selves and relationships, betrayal may also have a prolonged effect on them.

In Cathy’s case, the result of the actions of her close classmates led her to start putting up her guard more and burning bridges.

Canillo said that such scenarios can result in a loss of trust for people in the future, wherein they might have hesitations or it may be difficult to open up to someone again since they were betrayed before. It may take time for them to relay their emotions to others, she added.

Offloading feelings is not just about the person who will share their story. It’s a two-way communication that may also affect the person who listens to it.

There are several factors that that communicator would have to consider first before venting to their listener.

Canillo said that the first prerequisite to a healthy conversation is that the communicator should check the emotional and psychological preparedness of the person they would vent to by asking them simple questions such as “How are you?” “How’s your headspace?” or “Is it okay for me to talk to you later?”

These questions, she said, would give the listener a sense of indirect warning that they are about to share something difficult for them to handle alone.

“Somehow, kinakapa natin kung ano yung kakayanan ng kakausapin natin. Therefore, it’s our responsibility as a friend or as someone who will communicate anything, mapa-relationship ‘yan, family, friend, na dapat alam natin ‘yung psychological preparedness,” Canillo stressed.

Impact on the listener

Venting out to a person who’s not psychologically ready can overwhelm the listener.

Admin HR Wendell Soria, 27, has experienced listening to vent outs when he’s not emotionally prepared a lot of times, given the nature of his job position. He’s often the ear for the frustrations of his colleagues and the problems of his friends. 

However, it’s not always the case that Soria is ready to absorb all those emotions. When that happens, he is left with no choice but to try to be okay just so he can not add to the negativity.

“Wala na akong magagawa doon kung di niya talaga kaya. Kailangan kong i-absorb yon o kaya kailangan ko siya bigyan ng positive na sinasabi, tapos kapag natapos na siya, tsaka ko na siguro aasikasuhin ‘yung [sarili ko],” he told republicasia.

“Kasi kung parehas kayong negative, walang mangyayari. Kaya kailangan mo talagang i-up siya kahit na down ka pa sa sarili mo,” he added.

Overwhelmed by emotions might lead to stress, anxiety, and, in some cases, depression, especially if they are always the listener or the only person who absorbs all negative emotions, according to Canillo.

What listeners can do

Sometimes, listening can be too much for Soria. What he does when this happens is that he tells the communicator that he’s not ready to listen yet, and that he needs to take a short break first so he can understand and help them better.

“Alam ko kasi ‘pag mabigat siya eh, ‘pag mabigat yung io-open sa’kin. [Sasabihin] ko, ‘Pwede pahinga muna? Hindi ko kasi kaya. Kasi baka ‘pag nanghingi ka sa’kin ng advice is baka mga negative lang,’” he said.

This is something that Canillo would recommend for the receivers, particularly if they’re not ready to lend their ears.

“Let’s be proactive din na pag tayo; we are not in our headspace; be mindful din about our own well-being. In order for us to help other people, we really need to help ourselves first. You cannot give what you don’t have,” the expert said.

It’s okay to be honest with their feelings, especially if they’re not really feeling okay, Canillo stressed. Doing so doesn’t mean that they can’t be of help to the communicator. 

Canillo mentioned the referral system, in which listeners can suggest another person who can also help the communicator.

“Hindi mo siya dinump, hindi mo siya cinancel out na parang, ‘I don’t want to hear you. Period.’ But more of nile-lead mo din siya na, ‘I really do understand where you’re coming from or you wanted to share, it’s just that I’m not really in my headspace right now to really be responsive in giving you such as listening or advice, so is it okay If let’s find another person that we can talk to or converse?’ Parang ganon,” she explained.

Other ingredients in healthy communication

Both communicators and listeners should also be prepared for the environment, Canillo said. They need to be mindful of where the venting will take place.

One common example of this is when a person is at the office working, and then suddenly shares with their colleagues their problems at home. 

The communicator should be aware that a professional setting, especially in the middle of duty, is not the right venue to bring up personal problems. For the listener’s part, Canillo said they can kindly express to their venting coworker that there’s a proper place to talk about their personal issues.

Once the place is settled, the next thing that the communicator and the listener should have in their communication is the direction.

Before telling a story, the communicator would have to be clear about what they want to get out of the conversation. Would they just want someone to listen to them? Or someone who would both listen and give them advice?

The listener, on the other hand, can clarify the direction to the communicator if they find it unclear. They can ask if they just want a listening ear or if they also want some advice on their problems. 

If it’s clear that the communicator doesn’t want recommendations, Canillo said, it doesn’t mean that the listener won’t say anything and let the conversation end abruptly. 

She said that listeners can still give their own feedback by saying that they appreciate the communicator sharing their feelings with them, and that they can ask for their advice once they’re more comfortable talking about it.

“’Yung ganong words though listening lang yung naging processing niyo, yung sense of assurance to end the conversation definitely gives a good impact to someone who shares,” Canillo stressed.

It’s also important for the communicator to state their feelings, such as if they are angry, anxious, or sad. Meanwhile, it is the listener’s responsibility to assess the emotion that the communicator is expressing, especially if the latter is not aware of it or cannot process it.

Once the context of the emotion is clear, Canillo said that the communicator needs to say the reinforcement or the objective reason why they need to share their story to help the listener better understand.

Choose the right person

Of course, choosing the right person to offload your feelings to is crucial.

While anyone can give advice to a person, Canillo said that it’s more ideal if the communicator talks to someone who can really help them.

“If darating yung punto na na-betray tayo, it doesn’t mean naman every now and then na magsha-share tayo, may sense of betrayal,” the expert said.

“May possibility na oo pwedeng mangyari [ulit], yet we can do necessary things enable for us na hindi ulit yon mangyari, which is for us to be mindful about the friendship that we build. We really need to choose friends who [are] capable to handle it. Alam natin ‘yung foundation ng friendship talagang well-established,” she continued.

Canillo also stressed that the communicator needs to take responsibility for their own self, emotions, and thinking before unloading emotions because they cannot control other people’s comments or actions after they tell their story.

“We need to build a sense of a skill [that] enables us to process our own internal narratives. So those are simple techniques such as writing our thoughts. Sulat mo ‘yung naiisip mo. Journal or kahit yung simpleng bullet form, or like we call it mind map, parang this is the issue, ito ‘yung possibility, the yes or no, the positive or negative, etc., and then you try to process it,” she said.

If it’s still hard for them to figure things out alone, Canillo said they can always seek professional help.