Many, if not all of us, have once been haunted by the pain and anguish of having been left by someone we love without a proper goodbye, or any clear reason why.
People have developed a fitting term for this painful experience: ghosting.
We all know what happened to Bea Alonzo, Gerald Anderson and the whole ghosting saga. She says she was ghosted. He says no, and has his reasons for leaving.
The finger-pointing never ends.
Vanishing vs saying goodbye
The question remains: is just fading out easier than actually saying goodbye?
Clinical Psychologist Riyan Portuguez said that for some people, vanishing from a relationship is actually weirdly better simply because they do not know how to communicate their feelings properly.
“Not everyone has the capacity to handle distress, discomfort, kapag confronted ka na talaga ng situation na ‘Nasan na ba tayo, ano ba ‘to?” Portuguez said.
Some cannot manage complicated emotions and situations, and they see escape as the next best thing to do when they can’t say exactly what is wrong with the situation and with the person.
“So instead na magexplain siya, alam niyang di niya kakayanin, mag-gho-ghost na lang siya. At least understood na ‘yun na hindi ka talaga totally okay sa kin,” she said.
According to Portuguez, it is not always easy to identify what causes people to commit ghosting. But the possibility of being self-centered is always there.
“Mostly ng nanggoghost, sila talaga yung may problema,” she said.
The ghosted
But what about those left behind?
Oftentimes, people pity the ghosted because they are the ones in pain. Being left behind feels worse than a slap on the face. It actually leads people to question themselves and their worth, Portuguez noted.
“It affects their self-esteem, their self-worth. Talagang nagiging down yung kanilang confidence. Feeling pa nila, ‘Am I not worth it? Hindi ba ko ka-pursue pursue? Laging ganito yung situation, lagi na lang ako nakakapag attract ng ref flag,’” she said.
These feelings can also lead to mental health problems, she said.
Others also tend to develop trust issues because of fear of being left once again, she added.
The ghoster
Meanwhile, ghosters or those who suddenly sever connections with someone are often painted as the villains of the story.
But are they really as bad as we think?
“Hindi parating ‘yung umalis, masama ang ugali. Pwedeng ghinost niya kasi ka ghost-ghost talaga. Magpapaalam ka pa ba sa isang tao na medyo hindi siya okay?” Portuguez said.
It can also boil down to the fact that telling someone that something is off with him or her can also be torture to the party who wants space, she said.
It is important to look into the personalities of the ghosters and how they are in other aspects of their lives. Cutting out someone once can still be justified, but ghosting someone habitually is a different matter, she said.
“Maganda na tignan natin ‘yung act kesa dun sa tignan mo kaagad ‘yung tao na to kasi, hindi natin siya na-witness ano siya as a person, sa ibang area ng life niya,” she said.
“Pupuwedeng meron siyang pinagdadaanan that time, but it’s not an issue. Pero kung habitual mong gingawa ‘yun masama talaga yun. Pero to classify ‘yung person as sobrang sama niya, parang hindi naman yata tama na sabihin mong ganon,” she added.
Should ghosting be made a crime?
A lawmaker in 2022 made headlines when he proposed a measure to declare ghosting an “emotional offense.”
Negros Oriental Representative Rep. Arnolfo Teves Jr. defined ghosting as “a form of emotional abuse and happens once a person is engaged in a dating relationship with the opposite sex which affects the mental state of the victim.”
According to Teves, ghosting can be “mentally, physically and emotionally exhausting” to someone who gets ghosted.
However, he prescribed no penalty in the bill for people who commit ghosting, which led critics to say that the bill offers no closure.
The measure is considered a novelty in a chamber where hundreds of more important bills are pending.
