FRIENDSHIP often comes with unwritten rules called the ‘girl code.’ This code serves as a guide to maintaining respect and consideration among friends, especially in matters of romantic interest.
The essence of girl code
The girl code emphasizes loyalty and respect. Friendship breakups are particularly painful, involving feelings of betrayal rather than outright actions like cheating. While romantic relationships can be restored, friendships are less likely to be fixed. This is why knowing the girl code can be one of the helpful things to look out for to keep friendships stronger.
Katherine, a 22-year-old in a long-term relationship puts it, “Kapag alam mong may gusto ‘yung friend mo sa someone, ‘wag ka na rin makigusto pa.”
She also added that girl code is not only limited to not liking your friend’s crush. Katherine’s best friend for six years, Jen, a 23-year-old in a long-term relationship, shared this extended definition of girl code.
“Never ever date someone na may talking stage [or] relationship history na with your best friend,” she stated.
This girl code is not only applicable to a best friend’s crush but rather anyone they have a romantic history with. It may not be legislation that a girl is mandated to comply with, nor is it something that brings serious penalties when violated, but it is a form of respect and consideration expected from a person towards her best friend.
Do not date your best friend’s ex
One of the most significant girl codes is to not date a best friend’s ex-partner. A mutual best friend of Katherine and Jen named Loisa, a 23-year-old in a long-term relationship, shared how she might feel if either of her mentioned best friends broke the girl code by dating her ex.
“She wouldn’t be a friend any longer, best friend or not. Parang ang disrespectful naman ng ganyan lalo na kapag bago pa lang nagkahiwalay,” she expressed.
A friend is likely expected to provide comfort to her friend, especially during a break-up. Dating a person who is the reason why your friend needs comfort might make her feel invalidated and disrespected, especially if things just happened recently.
Similarly, Jen further emphasized the importance of this boundary.
“F.O. (friendship over) malala. Hindi na ako mag-aaksaya ng oras na mag-farewell message sa friend ko or humingi ng explanation. Literal na switch off ang friendship and wala nang makakapag-switch on do’n,” she explained.
This shows that dating your best friend’s ex is non-negotiable in friendships like Jen. The pain caused by such actions is irreparable, damaging enough for people like Jen to end the friendship without the need for explanations.
The principle behind the code
It is already given that feelings are often beyond our control. Individuals do not get to choose who to like or to fall for. However, the act of pursuing a friend’s romantic interest could lead to multiple consequences. For some, it’s not just about the action itself, but the disregard for the friendship it represents.
Responding to the purely hypothetical question, this is what Katherine stands up for, emphasizing that it is not the action itself, but rather the considerations neglected in the process.
“I’ll be super disappointed and mad of course. Kahit sabihin na natin na hindi ka ni-like back ng ex ko, do’n pa lang sa thought na nagkagusto ka sa kanya ay no way na,” she shared.
“I’ll be hurt din kasi I treat her as a kapatid tapos hindi pala gano’n turing nya sakin,” she added.
This principle highlights that friends should be treated like family. Just as one wouldn’t typically date a sibling’s ex, the same respect should apply to friendships.
When is it okay to break the girl’s code?
The question remains: is there ever a valid reason to break the girl code?
Loisa believes that betraying friends for romantic interests should never be justified.
“Naniniwala ako sa kasabihang ‘Never betray your friends, especially not for a guy,’” she shared.
Confessing to liking a friend’s special someone and pursuing them is risking losing both people. It is not guaranteed that the person will like you back and it is unlikely that your friend will be supportive.
However, some argue that feelings can develop unexpectedly. Jen acknowledges that sometimes, people may not realize their feelings until it’s too late. But both she and Katherine firmly believe that once those feelings are acknowledged, pursuing them is unacceptable.
“Alam ko naman na minsan ‘di mo na namamalayan na nahuhulog ka na sa tao, pero ‘pag namalayan mo na at pinursue mo pa… Girl…It’s a no for me,” Jen shared.
“Nagpaalam ka sa akin? No. Matagal na kaming break? No. Naka-move on na ako? No. Pinigilan mo naman? No. No exceptions,” she further stressed.
Maintaining friendships and romantic interests can be tough. Although there may be instances where feelings develop unexpectedly, the consensus among many women is that breaking the girl code, especially by dating a friend’s ex, is a serious betrayal.
However, the decision in this dilemma is up to the person. While it is crucial to be mindful of a friend’s feelings, it is also important to assess which choice will lead to the least pain, both for you and your friend. An open communication with your friend, when appropriate, might also provide clarity and perhaps even lead to mutual understanding, regardless of the choice made.
