SOMETIMES, the hardest part isn’t being misunderstood—it’s actually not knowing who you truly are. Self-understanding is essential for growth, happiness, and maturity. It allows you to recognize your boundaries and limitations without feeling sorry. This article explores individuals who live beyond societal norms, their journeys of self-discovery, and the challenges they encounter along the way.
“When I was still a child, I already knew that my gender identity was different. The kids I played with back then were boys. My toys were also heavily influenced by male-centric perception, but it still feels different whenever I see dolls,” Bali shared with RepublicAsia.
He said that he remembers being so envious of his cousin, who had a Barbie. He dreamt of having one as well. And he experiences a sense of lightness when surrounded by girls. Bali connects with them more, and he feels like he belongs with them.
However, growing up different from society’s expectations was difficult. While navigating and exploring his gender identity, he experiences confusion and denial.
“I always used to say before that it might just be a phase and that I might just be confused because I really didn’t understand what I truly wanted.”
But eventually, as time went by, it became clearer to Bali that he is filled with colors and attracted to men—something he doesn’t feel towards the opposite gender.
Nonetheless, coming from a conservative country. He was filled with fear because he always heard hurtful words against the LGBTQ community, that is why he pretends to be someone he is not.
“I hid it for a long time. One of the hardest challenges I went through was to portray a person that I didn’t resonate with.”
Bali pretended to the point that it became a burden to him because he was no longer happy since he was showing a person different from what he truly was.
Until the pandemic happened, he became anxious, and he was questioning himself. “I felt like that was the lowest point of my life. Thankfully, when I told my friends that I was gay, nothing changed in how they looked at me.”
His friends gave him confidence and they loved him more. Bali became more open with them and realized nothing would change.
“Though only a select few know about my identity, it will not change the fact of how happy I am now that I can really radiate the true colors I have inside.”
Bali leaves a message to people who are confused and still discovering their gender identity. “They should always keep in mind that there is nothing wrong with being gay or whatever you are.”
He said that you don’t need to rush yourself because discovering one’s identity is a long process; you will really face many challenges, and once you know who you are, that will be your most fulfilling moment. Another thing is don’t pressure yourself to come out just to be accepted by others. Always remember that this is not an obligation because, for Bali, the only responsibility you should focus on is how to make yourself happy, content, and confident.
Another individual featured in this story who discovers herself is Alex. “I realized that my sexual orientation is different from the sex assigned to me at birth when I was in elementary school.”
While exploring her gender identity, she experiences first curiosity, then there is confusion, and lastly, denial. She couldn’t accept that she wasn’t straight, that she didn’t fit into the norms of society.
She was scared and confused because the gender she showed was contrary to what Filipinos are used to.
“From the very beginning, society defined us that women are for men and men are for women, but that’s not how I felt, so I really had an identity crisis.”
There are instances where she really tried to conform to the norm. Being female at birth, she tried to like boys, but no matter how hard she tried to like them, she felt out of place because her gender identity was different. That was the time when she felt that she preferred women.
It got amplified during high school when Alex accepted who she really was when she developed romantic feelings toward a girl. Her understanding of herself and who she is attracted to became stronger.
But the challenges don’t stop there. Alex didn’t know where she belonged.
”While exploring whether I was non-binary or genderqueer, I didn’t know if I would be feminine or masculine.”
She overcame it by not pressuring herself to wear specific clothing that represented her. “Any clothes or aesthetic that resonate with my identity, I think, are okay. Maybe it’s just about my gender and how to present myself before that I was confused, but now I’m confident in what I wear because I’m non-binary. I can be masculine and feminine looking.”
What Alex did after discovering her gender identity was first, she reaffirmed herself that there was nothing wrong with her. It’s not her fault if this is her gender identity.
“It’s not an illness, it’s not wrong. I reassure myself that no matter what my gender identity is, I am still me. Like, my gender identity isn’t just boxed in my persona. I am more than my gender identity, but my gender identity is important to me. Because it is really a part of my identity.”
After she discovered herself. She became more empowered and more confident in showing how she views herself and how she presents herself.
“Although I still have reservations, if you really know yourself, you have a clear line between what you want to do and what you don’t want to do.”
When Alex was young, she really tried to fit into society’s standards, but as she grew older, she realized that she shouldn’t force it because it felt like she was fooling herself. And now, she is happy with her gender identity because she can express them in front of her friends.
She also realized that as she grew older, there were many like her, so she was not alone.
“Your world expands more as you grow older. And I’m happy that I’m part of a community that is truly diversified. There are many different LGBTQ stories and it’s joyful.”
In the end, she gave advice to those people who are part of the rainbow community undergoing confusion, an identity crisis, or are currently exploring their gender that they should not rush.
“We should not pressure ourselves to label ourselves as this or that because there is plenty of time to explore and truly understand what our identity is.”
She told them not to yield to the societal pressure that others already know they are gay and they are bi. “My advice is not to succumb to the pressure coming from society, from our friends, from our loved ones. Let’s focus on ourselves, on the process of identifying our true gender, our sexual orientation.”
Alex said that they are not racing against time. When they wake up in the morning, they discover many things. “So it’s okay to be confused, it’s okay to be uncertain, it’s okay to not be sure because we will eventually reach a point where we will get to know ourselves better.”
