SOME individuals have experienced struggles that caused them to develop emotional defenses that make it hard for others to connect with them.

This analogy compares them to porcupines whose sharp quills cause pain, unintentionally hurting those who attempt to touch them. These defenses might come from childhood trauma or recent struggles.

Although some of their extreme responses to these traumas are questionably valid, human porcupines deserve empathy like anyone else. However, loving them should have boundaries, considering that you, yourself, have struggles that need understanding from people like them too. 

Hurt people hurt people

Individuals who have unhealed wounds, often end up scarring others around them. For instance, Leanne, 21, considers her father to be a porcupine. “He does not want others to tell him what to do even if it would be for the better. He often curses when he’s doing something (work),” she shared. 

Leanne’s father often raises his voice when asked simple questions, “He often does this with my mother which also affected me in a way.” Witnessing her father’s treatment, whether it is directly towards her or to anyone she loves, affected her relationship with him that causes her emotional distress.

Being an understandable daughter despite it all, Leanne described the feeling of dealing with a porcupine, “Sometimes, it hurts me to love him.” 

Leanne’s experience shows the difficulty of loving someone who is emotionally prickly. Having to go through it all, Leanne also developed mechanisms to deal with this side of her father. 

“It’s really hard. I feel like I need to be quiet at all times rather than asking questions. I’m holding myself back a lot. Everytime he raises his voice, I feel frustrated and invalidated. I also feel bad for my mother,” she explained.

Her father’s defensiveness causes Leanne to keep questions to herself and bottle up her emotions. 

You can shout back at someone who raises their voice at you or ignore them and move on.

But what do you do if it is already your loved one who is hard to love?

Give the benefit of the doubt

In vulnerable situations, giving the person the benefit of the doubt can be a compassionate response. Who knows? They might be having a bad day; perhaps something physically hurts them; or maybe something triggered them. 

Giving someone the benefit of the doubt is looking at the bigger picture. Leanne does this instinctively.

“My father experienced being told off, that’s why he always sounded defensive,” Leanne stated, giving her father the benefit of the doubt. 

“He feels like he always needs to defend himself to other people. He thinks that other people always painted him as wrong,” she added.

Acknowledging that her father may be dealing with personal pain allows Leanne to approach her father with kindness instead of resentment. This love and compassion lead Leanne to believe that it is not her father’s fault.

“It’s not my father’s fault that he is like that. Maybe it has something to do with the problems he went through getting older,” she said. 

This shows how much unhealed traumas can affect others and even give them new traumas. It also highlights how people who are affected have so much love in them to still be compassionate.

Acknowledge the good times

Porcupines are not bad people; their struggles only made them difficult to be with but even porcupines can show care and love. Despite Leanne’s father’s defensive side, for her he is loving. 

“He sometimes goes to my room to check on me. He always calls me when it’s time to eat so we can share food,” she shared. 

Recognizing these positive interactions like Leanne does is essential. Acknowledging the good times can help see the good in porcupines – seeing the person beyond their defenses.

Set boundaries

Although it is crucial to understand and empathize, it is equally important to set boundaries. Recognizing the good days while not forgetting the bad days is one way to hold porcupines accountable. These boundaries can help protect your emotional well-being while strengthening your relationship with them.

Setting boundaries does not necessarily mean you should ignore them or be as mean as they are. When you think a situation could be a learning experience for both of you, it is understandable to stay in the moment.

As for Leanne, her way of helping her father is by reminding him to calm down. “When he raises his voice whenever I ask him, I just breathe for a second, and tell him to be calm in a polite way,” she explained. 

Understanding her father while helping him regulate his emotions could be a gentle attempt to remind porcupines of the lines they are overstepping. However, Leanne admitted there are times she cannot handle her father’s temper. 

“Kapag may time na hindi ko kaya na makipag-deal kapag nagaganun (raising of voice) siya, ang ginagawa ko na lang is nagakulong sa kwarto,” she stated.

Leanne’s response is one of the ways to establish boundaries, protecting herself from her father’s behavior. Bear in mind that just because you understand a person, it does not necessarily mean you should always take and tolerate their outbursts.

Don’t let history repeat itself 

Being affected by a porcupine’s negative behavior, makes it highly possible for you to affect someone else with your responses. This is why boundaries has a huge role in making sure you don’t end up the same way.

Leanne being exposed to her dad’s defensive treatment, said she is scared of being a porcupine like him. “But I try my best not to be like one. Since I already experienced it, I don’t want others to feel how I feel,” she stated.  

Not wanting to pass it on to others is a good start. However, it does not guarantee that you won’t. Setting boundaries and constantly working on regulating your emotions can greatly help. 

Remember, take the challenge of loving someone who struggles, but never lose sight of your own well-being. By doing so, you pave the way for healing – not just for yourself but for those around you.

With reports from Bea J. Larosa