Warning: This article contains mentions of suicide, molestation, and self-harm.
People struggling with suicidal thoughts are in a life-and-death battle every day. They might not show or discuss their pain openly, but they are still struggling. Even those who manage to overcome these thoughts temporarily often experience relapses, proving that it may not be an everyday battle, but the struggle is always present.
People who have suicidal thoughts can be categorized as either passively or actively suicidal. Passive suicidal ideation means wanting to take one’s own life without a concrete plan to do it. Meanwhile, having active suicidal ideation includes thinking of specific ways on how to actually end it. Both types are seriously damaging to one’s well-being and need immediate help and support.
Aki, a 21 year old woman (name changed for anonymity), shared her long battle against these deadly thoughts.
Aki’s Journey
Aki’s active suicidal thoughts began after she experienced molestation. Molestation involves unwanted sexual advances towards a child, causing them a lifetime trauma. The burden of such an experience is often unbearable, especially when the person feels isolated.
“Hindi siya maiwasan kasi wala naman akong mapagsabihan and ‘di ko naman siya pwede ipagsasabi kahit kanino kasi baka makarating kay tatay, so…May part sa akin na since hindi ko siya nailalabas, parang sarili ko na lang yung napapagsabihan ko,” Aki shared.
The Weight of Isolation
Left alone with her own thoughts and feelings, Aki found herself more vulnerable from temptations of harming herself, and sometimes acting on those impulses.
“Dumadating sa point na parang gusto kong saktan sarili ko. Parang alam mo ‘yun, gusto mong patahimikin ‘yung nasa utak mo…Gusto mo i-distract ‘yung sarili mo para ‘di mo maisip ‘yung nangyari (molestation) na ‘yun,” she shared.
At her lowest point, Aki revealed her methods of self-harm and emphasized that she chose to hurt herself rather than others. “Sa akin lang yun, ‘di ko naman sila dapat idamay even though I am at my lowest.”
Aki’s experience proves that people with suicidal thoughts do not intend to hurt other people nor do they intend to do it to themselves. However, the heavy feeling of having to deal with loud deadly thoughts everyday is unbearable to the extent of wishing to silence it.
Coping Mechanisms
“The extreme things that I did beside sa paglagay ng barcodes sa wrist ko, sometimes I punch ‘yung pader namin, sometimes kapag sobrang ingay na nung utak ko, parang alam mo ‘yun, gusto ko na lang basagin ‘yung ulo ko so dumadating sa point na inuumpog ko na ‘yung sarili ko sa dingding and minsan nakakabasag ako ng gamit. Parang outlet ko siya para mabawasan ‘yung nararamdaman,” Aki explained.
Without having anyone to turn to, Aki developed her own coping mechanisms. Unfortunately, some of these methods end up causing her harm. However, they provided her temporary relief from the overwhelming thoughts in her head.
Aki emphasized that overcoming these thoughts did not happen overnight; it took her years, numerous attempts and many failures.
“[It] took years bago ko magawan ng way para hindi ako mag-give up [in] do’n sa thoughts na ‘yun. Sobrang dami kong attempt na ginawa and sobrang hirap niyang pigilan, lalo na kung wala kang mapagsabihan. I tried to be better pero alam mo yun, sa unang part, hindi siya madali sobrang hirap niya talaga,” she shared.
The Reality of Relapses
Realistically, even outside being suicidal, the journey of self-improvement involves a lot of relapses. There will be times that progress is made, only for a single moment to trigger old habits to return.
However, Aki believes that people with suicidal thoughts can be both strong and weak.
“Kapag nando’n ka sa process, may times na weak ka, maaano [madadala] ka ng thoughts mo. ‘Pag tumatagal nang tumagal and nakahanap ka ng way para malabanan ‘yung thoughts na yun, parang do’n mo masasabi na strong ka kasi despite na gano’n ‘yung pinagdadaanan mo, despite the suicidal thoughts, despite na magulo ‘yung utak mo, you get to live araw araw, nandito ka pa rin,” she stated.
Reasons to Stay
When individuals are in a suicidal state, finding reasons to be strong can be extremely challenging. Sometimes, even when reasons exist, they may not outweigh the weight of deadly thoughts. However, for Aki, she is left with a selfless reason to stay.
“Iniisip ko na lang ‘yung family ko, I mean paano sila kapag nawala ako? Panganay ako. Pangit man pakinggan, [pero] ako ‘yung inaasahan nila,” she said. This highlights the burden of firstborn children, who often feel responsible for their younger siblings.
“Especially my parents iisipin nila siguro [na] ‘di nila ako nasubaybayan nang maayos ganon o kaya sinarili ko na lang. Ayoko ng ganon,” she said.
The thought of leaving her family in guilt and pain became a significant reason for Aki to keep fighting. This shows that no matter how big her suicidal thoughts are, her deep concern and love for her family are bigger, making her worry about her absence taking a toll on her loved ones.
“Another thing is ‘yung siguro pagpapahalaga don sa buhay na pinahiram sa atin ng Diyos. One thing I learned about life is iisa lang ‘yung buhay natin so letting yourself drown to those suicidal thoughts and letting it na pigilan kang maging masaya, or sayangin ‘yung buhay mo dahil nilulunod mo sariili mo sa thoughts na ‘yun, parang ang hirap mabuhay nang ganon,” she stated, reflecting on the importance of the life given to her.
This belief gave her a sense of purpose, which also demonstrates that suicidal people like Aki do not necessarily lack faith; in fact it is their strong belief that pushes them to endure life. However, those who do not share the same beliefs should not be judged or labeled as deserving of suicidal thoughts either.
Healing and Reflection
Fortunately, Ak has now reached the point where she rarely thinks of harming herself. Instead of resorting to her old habits, Aki engages in self-reflection.
“Wala na ‘yung habits ko nun…More like iniiyak ko siya. Iniisip ko na lang na ‘pag umiyak ako nagkakaroon ako ng self-reflection. Self reflection ‘yung nagiging way ko ngayon para maka-cope up do’n sa suicidal thoughts na ‘yun.”
While Aki’s suicidal thoughts did not completely leave her, she’s now able to abandon all her suicidal habits and respond to vulnerable moments with a healthier coping mechanism.
Aside from crying, Aki shared that a friend taught her another way to feel better.
“Sinusulat ko lahat ng thoughts ko…in a poetry form. Ginagawa ko siyang tula habang sinusulat ko ‘yun umiiyak ako. Ta’s after no’n, medyo magaan na pakiramdam ko, ‘yun yung way ko ngayon para malabanan ko ‘yung suicidal thoughts,” she explained.
Understanding Others
Meeting others with similar experiences has been enlightening for Aki.
“Kapag nakaka-meet ako ng tao na may similar experience sa akin, mas naiintindihan ko sila. Mas kaya kong makinig sa kanila, and I know the words na sasabihin sa kanila na ‘di sila nasasaktan, na pakiramdam nila na may nakikinig sa kanila kasi nanggaling na ako sa point na ‘yon,” she shared.
Aki’s empathy allows her to comfort others, giving them an empathetic environment she never had. This shared experience not only supports and helps others heal, but also Aki.
Aki believes being able to comfort others is a huge thing since not everyone understands how hard it is.
“Meron pang nagsasabi na siguro ginusto rin ng tao na ‘yun, pero siguro kung nandon sila sa pwesto ng tao na ‘yun, maiintindihin nila na lahat ng nakaranas ng sexual abuse na never nilang ginusto ‘yun. Hindi naman siguro magsasalita ‘yung tao (biktima) kung hindi niya naranasan kasi masamang mag point [out] ng ibang tao na alam mong ikakapahamak ng tao na ‘yun,” she asserted.
This shows the skepticism victims often receive. While it is important to listen to the accused side of the story, it is equally important to give the victim’s the benefit of the doubt until proven as truthful.
Aki’s story serves as a reminder that while the journey from self-loathing to self-love can be filled with obstacles, it is possible to find the light even in the darkest moments. Despite the temptations to give in to self-harm, individuals can make ways to be stronger than these deadly thoughts. After all, recovery is possible, and Aki is the living proof of that.
If you are a person struggling, reach out to a trusted loved one or this list of mental health providers according to your concerns: https://blog.opencounseling.com/hotlines-ph/
