HAVE you ever been in a point of infatuation for someone that it consumes you entirely? Like a parasite you can’t seem to remove them from your head, constantly daydreaming about them, staring at their photos on their social media, and yearning for the same affection to reach you. That is the way of limerence.
What is limerence?
Photo Courtesy: Argel Bondoc Masanda | Facebook
From the perspective of a psychologist and full professor at National University Clark, Argel Masanda, Ph.D, RPsy, limerence is described as the profound desire of one person to another; it has an obsessive persona attributed to it.
“[Limerence] is an intense emotional attachment, almost compulsive desire to another person characterized by intrusive thoughts of the person, emotional dependency, and deep longing for reciprocation from the object of their affection,” said Dr. Argel.
Although sometimes associated with the feeling of love, the two must not be confused with one another. Limerence, unlike love, is superficial.
“Limerence is like a craving or obsession with someone, often based on fantasy and idealization. Love, on the other hand, is a deep emotional connection that grows over time and is based on mutual respect, care, and understanding,” he discussed.
But limerence can be an early stage of love if developed and reciprocated authentically. But the shallowness of the feeling can also cut it from growing towards it.
“Limerence can turn into love if both people develop a genuine bond, but it can also fade away, especially if it was based on unrealistic expectations,” Dr. Argel added.
Happy beginnings
Alias Lims, 21, has once been trapped in the state of limerence. “Basically, we are blockmates. So yun, dun ko siya nakilala,” he started.
Being in the same space and circle in college for most of the time had evoked simple flutters that eventually grew into affection towards the person.
“At first, hindi ko naman siya nakikitang attractive. Pero habang tumatagal syempre nagkakaroon ng interaction and bonding. Kaya parang every time na may interaction kami, parang iba na yung nararamdaman ko sa kanya. Kinikilig ganun pero hindi ko pinapahalata sa kanya,” he narrated.
But due to his lack of confidence, he cowered from the idea of confessing. “Ako kasi yung tao na hindi marunong mag first move, yung nagcoconfess. So nung narealize ko na iba na yung tingin ko sa kanya, of course hindi ko sinabi sa kanya kasi nakakahiya. Kaya sa mga friends ko na lang sinabi para less judgement.”
The situation had encouraged him to do things that may sound extreme to some.
“Una, dahil we’re in the same room lang naman, so everytime na may interaction kami, for example, pag nag-usap kami ganun, so ako binigyan ko siya ng meaning lahat,” Lims said.
This highlights the intensity of limerence when it hits a person. From the perspective of the one who felt it, simple things appear like a romantic gesture. But in actuality, there might have been no other intention behind it.
But it does not stop at assumptions, it also fueled him to step up his game in the hopes of being favored by the person.
“Second, palagi kong iniistalk yung socmeds nya. Lastly, syempre mutuals kami sa socmeds, so may time na nagpaparinig ako sa kanya through sharedposts, memes, or even stories. May time nga na nagstory ako sa Instagram, tapos naka closed friend lang sa kanya as in, mag-isa lang sya. Tapos pag nag react sya dun, mission accomplished ako.” He laughed remembering his actions.
He found contentment in this habit. “I think umabot ng one year yung feelings ko sa kanya,” Lims admitted.
But within the time he spent admiring the person, he found a lightness that motivated him in his college life. “Somehow, masaya naman kasi syempre may inspiration kang pumasok sa school. Gusto mo siyang makita ganun.”
The same experience has fallen on alias Tel, 22.
“We have a common friend and ‘yung friend namin na ‘yon, pinakilala niya kami sa isa’t isa and then we also became friends,” Tel shared.
From this special friend, she felt comforted and understood which later translated into a deeper affection.
“Noong mga unang buwan na pag-uusap namin, araw-araw kaming nag-uusap, halos buong araw pa. Hindi kami nauubusan ng pinag-uusapan. Sobrang bait at sweet niya. Narealize ko na halos lahat ng mga sinasabi niya at sinasabi ko ay hindi pang-kaibigan lang. Naramdaman kong parang kakaiba— na ganito pala ‘yung feeling na may sobrang concern sa akin. Bukod pa riyan, sa akin siya madalas nagkukuwento o nagshi-share ng kung anu-anong bagay, sa akin siya nagra-rant. I felt so special at that time, but as friends lang talaga iyon,” she narrated.
Knowing that the person shared the same love in books and being a hopeless romantic, Tel expressed her feelings into the art of poetry.
“Minsan, gumagawa ako ng mga maiikling tula about sa kanya, sa mga normal days ng pagcha-chat namin, sinisingit ko sa conversation namin. Binigyan ko rin siya ng book, a novel, na nabili ko sa online shop kasi mahilig siya sa libro, mahilig siyang magbasa. Pero ang pinakamalalang nagawa ko ay gumawa ako ng tula tungkol sa kanya, at ngayon ay naka booklet siya muna kasi hindi pa siya napapublish. Inabot ako ng isang taon para matapos iyon,” Tel confessed.
“Umabot ng dalawang taon,” Tel’s response when asked the length her feelings tolled.
This reflects the attachment a person is obliged when in limerence; it surpasses even that of official relationships. But no matter how tedious it may appear, Tel was satisfied in the experience and the person it made her.
“Para sa akin, siyempre masaya kasi bukod sa na-express ko ‘yung feelings ko sa kanya in a creative way and letting that person know na kamahal-mahal siya. Naappreciate ko siya ng sobra, nadevelop ‘yung skills and passion ko sa paggawa ng tula,” she said.
But unable to contain the intensity in the long run, she signaled her feelings through subtle gestures that were eventually grasped by the person.
“Noong una, hinayaan ko lang. Hanggang sa may mga time na nagbibigay na ako sa kanya ng mga signs na may gusto ako sa kanya through jokes, pick-up lines, ganiyan, ‘yung mga kakornihan sa buhay. Siguro inipon niya lang ‘yung mga gano’n kong banat hanggang sa nagets na niya na may nararamdaman ako sa kanya,” Tel revealed.
The positive drive
The flutter, thrill, inspiration, and passion that Lims and Tel have experienced on their affections were the positive yielding of limerence.
According to Dr. Argel, “It can give intense emotions like excitement, energy, and motivation, sometimes improving creativity and productivity. It may also inspire self-improvement, such as better grooming, fitness, or learning new skills to impress the limerent object. If reciprocated, limerence can lead to strong emotional bonds and potentially develop into a lasting, meaningful relationship.”
By simply being attracted to the object of their desires, Lims and Tel, consciously or unconsciously, have improved their well-being. Whether it is the brightening up of moods that helps them live their daily lives at ease, boosting confidence and self-expression, or enhancing skills and talents like in poetry, limerence when worked responsibly could create a positive influence in a person’s lifestyle.
Tragic tales
Limerence has its peak but also its downsides. Lims’ affection, while satisfying in nature, barred his relationship prospects since his attention revolved exclusively around one person.
“Pero narealize ko na hindi rin okay yung ganung experience kasi parang kinukulong mo yung sarili mo sa kanya. I mean, may ilang nagbigay rin motibo sa akin pero hindi ko pinansin kasi nga nakatuon yung attention at feelings ko sa kanya,” Lims realized.
A year of longing and hoping ceased the moment he realized that this obsession for one person leads to no promising end. He drew a line of respect once the person entered a relationship that is not him.
“Nag end lang yun nung nagkajowa siya. So dun ko narealize na walang kwenta itong feelings ko kanya kasi nga may jowa na. Ayaw ko namang makasira ng relasyon.” He chuckled.
But the thought of a happy ending with that person may have visited his curiosity. “Siguro kung hindi siya nagka jowa noon, kami siguro ang magkakatuluyan,” he joked.
Tel after indirectly confessing was directly rejected. She was blinded by her own feelings that the intention of friendship the other party offered misguided her to believe that it carried the same affection.
“Sinabi niya na lahat ng pinapakita at pinaparamdam niya sa akin ay pure friendship at walang ibang ibig sabihin iyon. So to keep that person, it’s better for us to just stay friends,” she said.
The toll of the unrequited
While Lims and Tel have accepted their situations, the disappointment and pain from having their feelings unreciprocated have wavered their self-esteem.
“When taken on the downside, the rejection can lead to emotional turmoil like anxiety, depression, dependency, and emotional distress that can interfere with daily life, work, and responsibilities,” Dr. Argel explained.
The consequences also follow the other person where the attraction and expectation are put on.
“It also brings pressure to the limerent object as they may be seen as “perfect,” leading to disappointment if reality does not match the fantasy,” he added.
The experience of Lims and Tel shows the reality of limerence and its one-sided attraction. Lims suppressing his feelings for the person he was attracted to led to a failed opportunity; Tel, while having the courage to confess although subtle, was still rejected. It proves that nothing ends well when the affection and attachment only comes from one person; there is no balance that gives way for genuine love to thrive.
As Dr. Argel discussed, “Limerence can lead to toxic or one-sided relationships where one person gives too much and loses their sense of self.”
Lessons from limerence
A year of sole devotion to a person made Lims remember to value himself more than what he gives.
“So what I learned from that experience is that mas mahalin yung sarili natin, yung self worth ba, more than those people na hinahangaan lang natin. Kasi in the end of the day, aalis din sila, hindi natin alam anong possible na mangyayari. Pero ikaw, yung sarili mo, dahil alam mo yung self worth mo, it will be easy for you to move forward agad and hindi agad nagpapadala sa bugso ng damdamin,” Lims stated.
Tel agreed to the same sentiment of self-value. She viewed love both as a strength and a risk that she is willing to take and learn from.
“Kapag na-in love ka talaga, lahat nagiging possible, lahat nakakaya mo para sa taong iyon. Magugulat ka na lang talaga na nagagawa mo na ‘yung mga bagay na hindi mo nagagawa before. Just let it happen, pero huwag lahat about that person. Think about yourself too— why you’re in that situation and what you’re discovering about yourself between sa inyo. I mean magmahal tayo kung hanggang saan tayo masaya. Kung masasaktan, let it go. At least you naipadama mo ‘yung feelings mo natin sa kanila at kung ano ‘yung nagustuhan natin sa kanila,” Tel noted.
As many would say, everything that is too much is dangerous.
“Limerence is not necessarily bad, but if it takes over your life or causes distress, it can become unhealthy. Being aware of it helps manage emotions and make better relationship choices,” said Dr. Argel.
Words from an expert
As for Dr. Argel, one must seek genuine love and not an emotion that is unstable and complicated.
“Limerence is like a mental trap, but once you recognize it for what it is, you can break free and focus on what truly makes you happy. You deserve real, reciprocated love— not an emotional rollercoaster. One needs to understand it versus what real love is.”
“Once done, limit exposure to your triggers— the limerent object and instead shift focus on your self-development. One can also challenge their thoughts about what love actually is and set realistic relationship goals. When everything seems heavier, seek professional help and support,” Dr. Argel advised.
There are a lot of people who are in the same experience of limerence whether they are aware of it or not. A person should remember that liking someone is natural. It showcases the beauty of human emotions and proves our very existence in this world.
But if that liking or attraction turned into an unhealthy habit resulting in negative influences, it would be wise to manage and assess these feelings.
In the condition of limerence, a person has an intense and unrealistic tendency towards the subject. Imagine the unnecessary amount of time spanning from years and consistent efforts one person sacrifices for the sake of their feelings; this causes inconveniences to the person. It is especially draining when the time and effort are for one to carry alone.
It is important to note that love is genuine and selfless; it is neither obsessive nor fantastical. When one’s act of loving becomes dangerous and hassle, it throws away the authenticity of its experience.
