Warning: This article discusses suicide, abuse, and sexual violence.

WHEN I was around twelve or thirteen years old, I entered my first relationship. I was madly in love, and thought I was going to be with him forever; I still remember that we’d had our entire future planned out, down to the number of kids we’d have sitting beside us by the fire. 

By the end of my time in high school, we broke up. And now, as a 23-year-old, that time of my life horrifies me because of just how toxic it was. 

Perhaps nostalgia is what kept my bad memories away, which led me to romanticize my past high school relationships for quite some time, but as soon as I remembered one, they all came back. 

Getting my first real kiss on the street beside our school wherein he’d held my head in an awkward position. Switching seats whenever we’d all be in the auditorium together. Peeping into his classroom whenever I’d pass by it. 

Getting into an argument with him while he was dressed as Naruto. Getting shamed for sharing my opinions online. Arguing with his family member who told me I wasn’t right for him because I wasn’t religious. I told him I’d been diagnosed with depression the day after I tried to kill myself, but he replied, “No you’re not.” 

When the gates opened, the flood seemed neverending. The only thought that kept running into my mind over and over again was: when my mom told me over and over that I wasn’t ready for a relationship, maybe she was right.

Our brains literally can’t handle it yet

Getting into a relationship when you’re young is a fun thing, there’s no denying that.

Staying up late at night just to talk to each other then sleeping throughout class the next morning, sitting next to each other in class, and secretly holding hands behind your backs, almost always going to malls in groups because you know your parents would never let you go if it were just the two of you. 

Most of the time it’s fun, simple, and innocent – pure. It doesn’t have the weight and complications that are often found in adult relationships nowadays. But that’s exactly why it can be so dangerous. 

According to the University of Rochester’s Medical Center, the rational or mature part of a person’s brain doesn’t fully develop until they’re 25. This means that you are literally incapable of being in a mature relationship, so it’s no surprise how toxic it can get sometimes.

I know people who dated in high school and got their photos spread around by boys who they thought loved them deeply, people who were coerced into doing sexual acts because their partner would get mad if they didn’t do so, and people whose partners lied to them for no reason.

I am one such recipient of this. Back in high school, all my friends would praise my relationship, because we were so cute and loving toward one another – but they didn’t know what was going on behind the scenes. 

They didn’t know that my boyfriend and I were getting into fights practically every night. They didn’t know when I tried to break up with him, he sent a photo of a gun on his bed telling me he was going to end his life. 

They didn’t know that once, things got so bad that my partner started saying he’d been possessed by a demon, and whenever he’d get possessed he would call me demeaning names: trash, useless, disgusting. 

They didn’t know that when I broke up with him, he kept private photos I’d sent to him and passed them around to his friends. I still get people messaging me about it, blackmailing me, and harassing me, to this day.

Looking back now, I’m aghast as to how I let that all slide.

And I’m not saying none of this can happen in adult relationships; hell, some men only ever seem time get even sh*ttier as they grow older. But at least by that time, your brain will actually be equipped to handle it. 

When I entered my second relationship in the ninth grade, I was a mess. I had learned so many behaviors from my ex that I thought were normal and applied them to my relationship, only realizing how toxic and f*cked up they all were when we eventually broke up because of me. 

I can’t help but think if that relationship would’ve gone better if I hadn’t dated my first boyfriend. And when the second one ended, the heartbreak almost killed me; at 16 I was trying to end my life every night, even managing to get myself sent to the emergency room on one particular occasion. 

I thought that that was the only thing I could do. I thought it was normal. I could’ve stopped existing at 16 all over a couple of stupid boys.

Again, I don’t think the case is the same if you were dealing with such situations at 25. Even now, if I’d had to deal with even one smidge of that b*llshit from the person I was dating, I’d leave. 

When you’re young, there are times when you feel like if you fight or break up with someone, the world will end and you won’t be able to breathe.

In my experience, it doesn’t feel that bad when you’re an adult. It’s much easier to cope when you’re an adult. It’s much easier to move on and continue to live when you’re an adult.

Know what you’re getting into

At the end of the day, the choice to enter a relationship is always going to be up to you.

There are plenty of people I know who got together in high school and are still together – or are even happily married – at present. 

I’m probably wrong. I’m definitely known for being wrong, anyway. Maybe there was just something about that pre-teen me that attracted exclusively shitty men. Maybe for you, it’ll be different.

But the facts don’t lie: as a teenager, you’re not yet able to properly respond to situations with good judgment as well as awareness of long-term consequences. This means that it’s harder for you to control your emotions, and that can be harmful to you both mentally and physically. 

Again, it’s always going to be your choice. Just make sure that the person you’re going to date is really the right one for you.