Scared your partner’s gonna leave? You might have Relationship OCD

RECENTLY, I’ve found out something new about myself: when it comes to relationships, I have an anxious attachment style. 

There are many different attachment styles, but this one in particular is… one of the unhealthier ones, so to speak. It’s one of the insecure attachment styles, among avoidant and disorganized.

Often stemming from neglect or trauma from when you were young, this attachment style is characterized by a lack of trust in your partner, as well as a lack of a secure base, as per the website Very Well Mind. 

People with this attachment style are often seen as rather clingy or needy inside a relationship, often requiring constant validation or reassurance from their partner.

Very Well Mind notes that some of the symptoms of this attachment style are:

• Difficulty in trusting others
• Becoming overly focused on your romantic partner/s
• Difficulty in maintaining boundaries
• Jealousy / anxiety when away from partner
• Guilt tripping / manipulating your partner to control them
• Need for constant reassurance from partner

What makes it all worse is that I am aware of the fact that I have an unhealthy attachment style, and it’s something I know I need to work on. 

The problem, however, is that even when I try my best to deny all of the fears that are in my head—that my partner is going to leave me, that my partner is mad at me even when I’ve done nothing wrong—they don’t go away. 

If anything, they just go around and around in my head, all these negative thoughts keeping me in a continuous loop that makes me feel like I’m going crazy.

Even when I ask for reassurance from my partner every five minutes, I find myself still asking the same questions: Are you mad at me? Do you still love me? Are you going to leave me? How do you know you’re not going to get tired of me? (Hell, God knows I’m tired of me!)

One night, I tried searching for just why I found it so hard to trust that my partner meant that they loved me and that they weren’t going to leave me, as well as how I could get rid of all these negative feelings.

That’s when I stumbled across what people call “Relationship Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder,” otherwise known as ROCD.

ROCD’s signs and symptoms

In an article from Adriana Delgado, LMHC, ROCD is described as a subtype of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder that often leads a person to doubt either their relationship, their partner, or even themselves. 

April Kilduff, MA, LCPC, of NOCD also explains: “While having an anxious attachment style is a valid experience, it’s possible that what you’re feeling is something more—specifically a type of obsessive-compulsive disorder called ROCD.”

She adds that often, the two have overlapping signs.

Some symptoms of ROCD, according to the Cleveland Clinic and Gateway OCD, are the following:

• Constantly seeking reassurance from your partner
• Repetitive thoughts and anxieties
• Avoiding deepening the relationship so you don’t get hurt when / if it fails
• Comparing your partner to others, the relationships of others, or to past relationships
• Difficulties with sex / sex life
• Social media behavior / obsessive use of social media / seeking reassurance through social media

The doubts one has within a relationship are called “obsessions”; you constantly ask yourself questions like, “What if they leave me?” or “Are they mad at me?”

Even though you’ve done nothing wrong, you feel anxious and panicked until you get reassurance that no, they won’t leave you, no, they aren’t mad at you, and yes, they still love you. 

Even though you know that all of this is irrational, you can’t help but ask these questions anyway so you can get the reassurance that you need and know will quell your anxiety—albeit, only momentarily. These, Delgado explains, are “compulsions.”

The reality, however, is that these compulsions can often make you feel even worse in the long run. 

Breaking the cycle

Delgado explains that while these compulsions may provide momentary relief, you start to feel as if you need to keep doing them to ensure that they don’t come true. You feel as if you need to ask your partner if they’re mad at you, and you need to hear them say that they aren’t, just so you can truly believe it.

But that doesn’t work anyway, because you just keep on asking, and asking, and asking. There is no growth to be seen here, only distrust in a place it shouldn’t be. 

You become more and more dependent not just on these compulsions, but on your partner, as well. You start to rely on them for your emotional and mental stability; any time you feel as if you aren’t okay, it feels as if the world is crashing and burning around you. 

When you feel this way, you start to doubt your worth as an individual or question whether or not you even deserve to be in a relationship.

And you know that that isn’t healthy. Not for you, and not for your partner.

As Delgado puts it, these compulsions provide only short-term relief but leave behind long-term suffering. 

It’s important to remember, however, that you aren’t alone. Many suffer from ROCD, and there are also many ways to treat it. 

Dealing with ROCD

Many therapists in the Philippines will be able to help and guide you through the process of recognizing that you have ROCD, as well as dealing with it and treating it.

The International OCD Foundation suggests cognitive-behavioral therapy approaches, with some being cognitive restructuring, exposure and response prevention (ERP), and experiential techniques such as imagination-based exposures to reduce compulsive behaviors. 

The first step, however, is recognizing that you are exhibiting these unhealthy symptoms and knowing in yourself that you have to fix these issues if you want to have a healthy, toxicity-free relationship. 

It’s also important to open up about these feelings and not just keep them bottled up. Write about them in a journal, talk to your close family and friends about it, or, better yet, discuss your feelings with your partner so that they can better understand the things that are going on inside your head. 

Acceptance and communication are the first few steps you need to take in dealing with this disorder. Remember that this isn’t the way things have to be and that you don’t have to live like this for the rest of your life.

You are worthy of calm and healthy love—the kind that doesn’t keep you up at night from anxiety, the kind that doesn’t make you doubt yourself. 

Now, it’s just a matter of working on yourself so that you can get it, but even in this process, remember that you are still worth it.