No Results Found: How to progress from being a backburner?

PERHAPS, most of us, if not all, have been in a phase of waiting. Waiting to be chosen and waiting to be finally provided with clarity where we stand in someone’s life. 

I, too, was once there. 

Met someone. Got to speak with him and found out we are on the same page on some aspects. Time passed by until those late night conversations have become weeks and months, to which feelings that have developed were confessed.

Then, what comes next?

Hopes become high. Mutual feelings somehow signify it is leading to something serious. Not until they’ll act like you never existed the next day. Then I’d tell myself, maybe I am just rushing things. Maybe, I just have to wait. 

And so I’ve waited. 

Then the uncomfortable feeling of waiting kicks in. Question of what am I to you is constantly raised, only to be answered that I am loved, but actions speak uncertainty. Despite knowing at some point I am just being kept as a placeholder, I stayed a little longer, hoping that giving him more time would make him realize I am worth pursuing too.

Then plays “Backburner” by NIKI.

NIKI’s Backburner had become every person in a no label relationship’s national anthem. It was mine for the time being. Until it was eventually unveiled, after a year of tolerance, that I was just kept for company and that he is keeping his options open. For the longest time of making an attempt to leave, I was held back by the guilt of not trying, for giving up too soon—to which, I should’ve done long ago. 

Maybe I’m just not better than this, I haven’t tried

Looking back, I realized that we don’t have to try so hard to be chosen. We are yearning hardly to be finally provided with clarity when out there, there is someone who prays to find someone like us. Loving doesn’t have to feel like your existence is not enough. Trying to be chosen forever can be exhausting. We shouldn’t feel like we are unworthy of loving the moment we let our guards down. We should be able to love freely and authentically.

‘Cause maybe you’ll finally choose me after you’ve had more time

Someone who has already made up their mind about where you stand in their life will never waste another second to let you know and the world know. May we refuse to settle with uncertainties because we deserve to be loved loudly and surely. Let us not make excuses for those who are incapable of showing up for us genuinely. We must see their actions as it is. Being too understanding simply because we want to keep someone can sometimes be a breeding ground for disrespect. Those who genuinely want to keep us in their lives will refuse to hurt us out of the fear of losing us—a true sign of love that aligns words and actions.

What would I have done differently?

I would’ve walked away the moment I had to ask where I stand. I would have listened to my friends telling me my time is being wasted. I would never have any reservations about leaving, because I shouldn’t have prolonged the agony by holding on to answers to my questions with actions doing otherwise. 

I would choose myself first.

“Don’t settle for less” is such a cliche, but I just wish I did not settle at all. A year was wasted, full of tears, and anxiety every time he follows and interacts with girls I have never heard of. What rights do I have to complain? Exactly. I was forced to suffer in silence because I have tolerated a situation where I am constantly disregarded and deprived of rights to set boundaries. 

What we tolerate determines what will torment us. Leaving is hard, but staying while compromising our self-worth is something we should always refuse to be in. Let us make ourselves known to be the person that always leaves, after the lack of clarity, after the disrespect, and after the deceits. Staying isn’t always worth it, and we should never hesitate to turn our backs and walk away at all. 

How do I progress from being a backburner to being pursued?

No way. Being pursued should come naturally from someone who has clear intentions about us and not because we’ve worked hard to be chosen. Use all search engines if you want, but the only way to stop from being a backburner is to move on. 

Choose yourself. For once, stop allowing yourself to be in a place where your value isn’t seen. Regardless of how you thoroughly search for tips or tricks, it’s always them who determines the answer—and if you love yourself enough, you will never allow yourself to be an option.

With reports from Danielle Barredo