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Healing from breakup? Maybe we never really do

by Gaby Agbulos

BREAKUP season has come around the corner once again, and it is kicking our butts. This much can be seen in the fall of several celebrity couples: Daniel Padilla and Kathryn Bernardo, Xian Lim and Kim Chiu, Miles Ocampo and Elijah Canlas, and most recently, Jericho Rosales and Kim Jones.

I personally have fallen victim to it too, and all I can say is: it definitely isn’t a walk in the park.

I recently broke up with someone last December for a multitude of reasons. The main one was that I wasn’t happy anymore; I constantly found myself trying to fit myself into a space I knew I didn’t belong to. So I left. While it was difficult, and I cried several times before I was finally able to come to that decision, I left.

A relationship is, in many ways, like an investment – one of both your money and your time. You put a lot of time into building your connection to this certain person, so when it comes to an end, it can be hard to let go knowing all the effort you’ve put into making it all work.

But there are times when you know that you have to let go, lest you sacrifice your own sense of self for the sake of someone else’s security. 

Dealing with a breakup can be extremely rough on your mental health, especially during the first few months. You’ll feel tempted to constantly check their socials, or even to backslide and send them that cursed “I miss you” text, but during those times, it’s important to remember never to go back to what hurt you.

If you’re still struggling to move on, here are some things you need to hear to finally start your healing process.

  1. Find ways to distract yourself

The best way to avoid thinking about your ex is to distract yourself with other things. Pick up a hobby… hell, pick up all the hobbies! Try doing things you’ve never done before or go back to activities that you’ve abandoned but used to love doing.

Spend the morning going for a run, the afternoon reading a book, the night learning a new recipe. The world is your oyster.

If you don’t have time to indulge in hobbies, you can instead reconnect with your friends; spend time with the people you know will love you unconditionally, who won’t get mad at you anytime you go out or want to have fun without them. 

Use this time to focus on yourself and what makes you happy. You’re not being selfish, I promise you.

  1. Remember why it didn’t work

In the moments that you do feel like relapsing – stalking them once again, or sending them a “how are you” message – it’s important to remind yourself of all the reasons why the relationship didn’t work, whether they be big things or little ones.

It could be how you don’t like when they would get jealous of your friends, or how they would get upset with you whenever you dressed a certain way. It could be how they wanted to spend all their time with you, so much so that you could no longer remember how it felt to be an individual.

It could even be the way they dressed or the way they typed. Even the littlest things are important. Make a list if you have to, and read it whenever you feel like going back.

I know it’s tempting to fall into the mindset that it would be easier to go back, or that it could work this time as long as you iron out the issues the two of you have had in the past. But if it were going to work out the first time, it would have. 

You shouldn’t have to beg for someone to make you feel loved, nor should you have to constantly remind someone how you want to be loved. 

You’re much better off holding out for someone that you know is going to treat you right, or to simply do it yourself, because who knows you better than you? 

When the days get harder and the nights get colder, tell yourself: “Know it’s for the better,” and repeat those words however many times you have to.

It may be hard now but know it’s for the better. 

  1. Relapses are inevitable

On the occasions that you do relapse, remember that you shouldn’t beat yourself up about it. You are human. You were in love with this person for a long time, and now you’re struggling because you no longer know what to do with all of that love. 

Whether it be holding onto it or letting go, both tasks feel impossible.

No matter the amount of advice you get, or the number of times you talk sh*t about him to your friends, the love will still be there. Those feelings will linger. That’s just the reality of the matter. 

In those moments, remember to take your time. Take a step back and breathe, reflect on why you did the things you did. Is it because you miss them, or is it just because you’ve grown unfamiliar with a world without them by your side? 

Take your time in figuring your feelings out, don’t just shove them down.

When you do find yourself reminiscing about the relationship, you may reach a point where you start to look back at all the bad things that happened and start to think that maybe things would’ve been better if you had been better.

Maybe I was asking for too much. Maybe I was too hard on him. Maybe I should’ve just forgiven him. Maybe we can still fix it.

Reminiscing on the past, however, will get you nowhere. As long as you hold onto these questions – these what-ifs – you’re always going to be stuck in that same, dark house, holding the door open for someone who never even offered to pay the damn bill.

It wasn’t your fault. It isn’t a crime to love. It’s just that this time, the person you were giving all of that love to didn’t deserve it. 

Don’t blame yourself for loving. Keep your heart open to the world, and to the people around you. Closing yourself off isn’t gonna hurt anyone but you.



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