Setting Boundaries: The Importance of Saying NO

SOME people find it hard to say no. Refusing sounds like a mistake, and translating your inner thoughts into words looks like an argument in the making—something that will complicate a hundred files neatly compiled inside a drawer. Thus, saying yes or agreeing feels like the easiest move to avoid destroying its perfect arrangement.

It appears as though ‘yes’ acts like a constant solution to water the fire and prevent it from burning more. To rein in the escalating tension before the disagreements turn to a full-blown conflict.

The problem is it is hard to pave the way or make a space for ourselves to be vocal if we are constantly surrounded by people who do not appreciate the essence of hearing answers such as “no.” Adding more fuel to the thought that it might be okay to just nod, smile, and do or give what they want to see and hear as long as they will be pleased. As long as there is no problem and we don’t have to deal with endless debate and trouble, even it means costing our inner tranquility.

However, the question remains committed to this topic. At what point should we appropriately consider or act upon the feedback provided by others? For how long will we think about them and their words before we consider ourselves?

What does saying NO mean?

There is this quote I have encountered by Loraine Nilon that delivers like this: “The more you value yourself, the healthier your boundaries are.” Taking time to ponder about what Nilon has said, her  quote speaks to many. 

Attempting to say that if only we prioritize our worth, we will enable ourselves to discover the power of having boundaries and its significant impacts not just in our lives but to everyone else around us—the internal and external peace it brings when discovered.

Probably all we need is to take chances and open our doors. Allow ourselves to recognize the discomfort of the continuous act of prioritizing the needs or wants of other people above ours. As well as the constant sacrifices of our well-being, that little did we know is gradually eating our peace and balance.

More often, saying “no” means setting healthy boundaries between ourselves and other people. It is a courageous act where we draw a personal line across the space separating what the world sees that we need versus what you think is best for us. Perhaps, because we already had enough from the voices that keep on whispering on us to do this, to act in a certain way, to dress like them or to speak like them. Seems like other people’s voice acts like a to-do list machine designed to boss us around, while here we are, listening and following what they want. 

In an interview held with AJ Vincent Bactat, the admin of Psych Beyond—an organization that advocates and promotes avenues for lifelong learning for mental health, he shared that saying “no” means protecting our time and energy from unnecessary things that do not align with us at the moment. 

“I say “at that moment” because each day we have changing tasks and priorities. Once you’ve made a decision to commit to specific tasks, saying “no” becomes a way to protect the time and energy you’ve already allocated,” he said.

However, it is a fact that not everyone can strongly present their ability in dealing with this specific aspect, as if they’re meant to hide—making others aware of their boundaries without coming off as rude. People who couldn’t afford to complicate things by saying “no.” Thus, here comes the initial reaction to it, the question of “why?” 

From his observation, he explained that there are people who really find it difficult to say “no.”

“As social animals, we are prewired to conform, agree, or blend in with others. Sometimes, saying “no” can mean isolation or rejection, which is why we tend to just agree and say “yes” to get along with other people. However, in doing so, we often sacrifice our own time and priorities without realizing it. Moreover, in our fast-changing society, being agreeable and accommodating is often emphasized. This trait is often romanticized, so as social animals, we tend to just get along with others,” AJ conveyed.

We must remember this at all times: When we tell them “no,” it is not immediately disobeying nor discounting their opinions. But choosing it could be tantamount to our first step in finally picking ourselves. Finally embracing the opportunity to walk away from the shadow of pleasing them. Teaching us to care less about what they’re about to say. 

When do we say NO and how important is it in establishing boundaries?

The meaning of boundaries might vary from person to person. It depends upon the people we talk to. Their definition of ‘NO’ in constructing their boundaries might be from their personal experiences, established beliefs from the culture they grew up in. Having said that, it is essential for us to understand its essence and the need to be aware not only of our most protected peace but also of the privacy it comes along with. 

However, when do we say this word? And how important is it in establishing boundaries? According to Psych Beyond, if a request makes us feel uneasy or a little comfortable, giving us the signal to reject it. That means 

it is likely a “no” answer.  “If it were a “yes,” it wouldn’t feel uncomfortable in the first place. Otherwise, you might compromise your personal priorities or values. We should always remember that saying “no” is sometimes used to maintain alignment with what matters most to us. Lastly, saying “yes” should not come out of obligation or guilt because if it were, then say “no.”

Furthermore, for AJ, the importance of setting boundaries is to avoid unnecessary stress by conserving your time and energy. “That’s why I always tell others that “no” is a complete statement because again, “no” is a protection to your boundary,” he further explained. 

Thus, lesson of the day: “No” is an answer that requires no explanation why. It is a full statement. No need to explain why you say so. 

How to set boundaries by saying no without guilt?

Learning to set some boundaries is a brave process to bear. A journey to self-improvement that encourages us to be assertive and freely express ourselves without constraints to hinder us. To communicate our limits and priorities in life and manifest self-care.

According to an article written by Jo Nash, Ph.D., on Positive Psychology, to set healthy boundaries it necessitates oneself to be aware. Having a clear understanding of other people’s narrative about us and their expectations. Being aware about the things we permit them to do when we are around that makes us genuinely comfortable and to the things in contrast.

“Feeling guilt, especially when we refuse a favor or request from a family member, is normal due to the expectations they have for us, and it is valid,” said AJ.

It is true that the cost of setting our boundaries can sometimes be their disapproval or negative emotions. However, we should first acknowledge that there’s nothing wrong with being assertive about our own needs, and there’s no reason to worry about saying no.

“After recognizing that saying “no” is not a problem, explain to your family why you said no. While we cannot control how they will react, we can at least anticipate their responses. I believe that clear communication is key in this situation. After all, there is nothing wrong with setting boundaries; it is an act of self-care and respect for yourself and others,” AJ ended.

It is not about rejection but knowing what we deserve. When we refuse a person, may it be our family or a friend of ours, that’s it. It is not something to negotiate for. Once we have expressed ourselves, they must accept and respect it because a NO is a NO.

May we learn to give ourselves the luxury of saying more “yes” to us. So that in the end we won’t need to tame the presence of regret and try hard on shutting them down. We won’t need to grieve about the missed chances we could have chosen ourselves slowly to pull us from the quicksand of pleasing people.

In the end, we will recognize the importance of acknowledging ourselves more. We will see that making efforts to discover and do things for our own sake and individuality isn’t bad after all. Because people who truly understand the meaning of setting boundaries through the simple “no” will never think you are just being mean to them nor see your actions in a negative way.

No one is entitled to abuse our “yes.” We are all allowed to say “no,” and decline their words when necessary. We can still be a good person without saying “I’ll do it,” all the time. Enough with wasting too much time and investing energies to the people who don’t deserve it.

We can’t always be there to be their umbrella for their own storms and wait for them until the rain stops only to see them hurrying up to walk away since the job is finally done.

Growing up is valuing our inner peace, saving our self-respect, and knowing what we need. Let’s take a stand for ourselves!

With reports from Ivory Jade Q. Guizon