From guilt to freedom: saying “no” to say “yes” to yourself

IN A WORLD that often demands more than we can give, learning to say “no” can feel like a daunting task. It’s an essential component of self-care that involves recognizing your limits, valuing your time and energy, and prioritizing what truly matters to you.

By thoughtfully setting boundaries, you can create space for activities that nourish your soul, cultivate healthier relationships, and reduce feelings of overwhelm and burnout.

Challenge of saying “no”

JM, Jam and Amery, like many of us, have struggled with the art of saying “no.” Their experiences highlight the common difficulties and emotional burdens associated with boundary-setting.

JM reflects on his difficulty in saying “no” to relatives and close friends. “I find it really difficult to say ‘no’ to relatives and sometimes to closest friends. I used to prioritize their concerns beyond my own, leading to personal stagnation and instability,” he said.

For JM, the challenge lies in his empathetic nature and the desire to develop good habits in others, often at his own expense. This difficulty is compounded by his hopeful nature, wishing others would reciprocate his good intentions, but often finding himself at a disadvantage.

Jam finds it particularly challenging to say “no” to her close friends from school. “The most recent event I found difficult to say ‘no’ to was when my close friends and I planned a get-together after school. Despite financial limitations, we wanted to make the most of our time together before graduation,” she said.

The fear of missing out and the desire to create lasting memories made it hard for Jam to set boundaries. This “guilty pleasure” is tied to her people-pleasing behavior, driven by a fear of being left out if she says “no.”

Amery finds it hard to say “no” to an elderly woman at her church who frequently asks her to create publication materials. “I find it difficult because I am not currently at ease with the church situation, and she’s kinda petty,” she admitted.

Amery’s challenge stems from not wanting to waste effort on tasks that feel inconsequential and from the social pressure of being seen as a “good friend.”

Emotional toll of saying “yes”

Agreeing to requests when you want to say “no” can lead to a range of negative emotions. JM describes a feeling of discomfort and lack of confidence when agreeing to something against his will. Over time, he has learned to prioritize his limits and base decisions on his capacity, emphasizing the importance of self-awareness.

“I know my limits now and I choose when to say yes to others; part na rin siguro ng self-awareness kumbaga.”

Jam experiences a “guilty pleasure” when she agrees to requests due to a people-pleasing behavior. “There are tendencies that I only agree due to having a ‘people-pleasing’ behavior, fearing that I might get left out if I say no,” she said.

The fear of missing out and guilt weigh heavily on her. This feeling of guilt is exacerbated when she considers saying “no” to someone who asked excitedly, fearing it will leave a strong, negative impression of her.

Amery feels a deep sense of resentment when she agrees to tasks that she doesn’t want to do. “I feel masama loob so much! But then I think, ‘Meh, gawin ko na nga lang para matapos na lang din,'” she said.

Over time, Amery has grown more comfortable saying no to avoid adding to her negative emotions. She describes feeling “going to pamanhid na siguro kasi dati super guilty ako pero now parang mas okay na sa akin kapag nakakahindi ako kasi hindi siya makakadagdag sa negative emotions ko.”

Role of boundary-setting in self-care

1. Know your limits: Understanding your own capacity is the first step in setting boundaries.

 JM emphasizes the importance of self-awareness in deciding when to say “yes” or “no.”

 “I base my decisions on my current state and capacity. After all, I have valid reasons to say ‘no,’” he said. 

Reflecting on your physical, emotional, and mental limits helps you to make informed decisions that prioritize your well-being.

2. Reflect on your priorities: Consider whether agreeing to a request aligns with your values and long-term goals.

Jam thinks about her actions and the events she agrees to participate in. “I reflect on my actions or the events I agree to participate in—if it’s worth my time, or I should have allotted it to more important/practical matters,” she said. 

Prioritizing tasks that contribute to your personal growth and happiness ensures that you invest your time and energy wisely.

3. Communicate openly and directly: Honest communication is key to setting boundaries.

Amery believes in expressing her thoughts directly. “If you say ‘no,’ sabihin na nating may masasabi sila pero mas okay na ‘yon kaysa may bitbitin kang negative emotions,” she advised. 

Being transparent about your limitations and needs helps others to understand your perspective and respect your boundaries.

4. Embrace self-awareness: Use your experiences to grow and mature.

JM acknowledges that learning to set boundaries is part of self-development. “We have to go through those moments just to have the maturity that we currently possess,” he said. 

Recognizing your strengths and weaknesses allows you to navigate relationships and commitments with greater confidence and clarity.

5. Consider the long-term benefits: Recognize how setting boundaries can improve your life.

Jam envisions that better boundary-setting would lead to people understanding her serious and final decisions, preventing further persuasion. “To prevent any follow-up comments na din para hindi ka ma-further sway to agreeing on something na ayaw mo naman talaga.” 

Amery foresees a more manageable schedule and increased self-respect. “Mas maluwag ang sched! And siguro mas magkakaroon na me ng self-respect.”

Practical tips for saying “no”

1. Pause and reflect: Before agreeing to any request, take a moment to assess your current commitments and energy levels. This pause can prevent impulsive “yesses” that lead to burnout.
2. Use clear and simple language: When saying “no,” be direct and straightforward. Avoid over-explaining or making excuses. A simple “I’m unable to commit to this right now” is often enough.
3. Offer alternatives: If you feel comfortable, suggest an alternative solution or compromise. This shows that you are still supportive, even if you can’t fulfill the specific request.
4. Practice self-compassion: Understand that saying “no” is a form of self-respect and self-care. Be kind to yourself and recognize that you deserve to prioritize your own needs.
5. Set and communicate boundaries early: Establishing your boundaries early in relationships or projects can prevent misunderstandings and make it easier to say “no” when necessary.

Transforming guilt into empowerment

By mastering the art of saying “no,” you can transform feelings of guilt into empowerment. Setting boundaries allows you to focus on what truly matters, leading to a more fulfilling and balanced life.

For JM, Jam, and Amery, the journey of setting boundaries has been one of self-discovery and growth, teaching them the importance of valuing their own needs.

After all, saying “no” is not about rejecting others but about saying “yes” to yourself. It’s about creating a life that reflects your values and priorities. As you practice setting boundaries, you’ll find that it becomes easier to navigate relationships and commitments with confidence and clarity.

Embrace the freedom that comes with saying “no” and watch how it transforms your life for the better. This practice not only improves your overall well-being but also strengthens your self-care routine, leading to a healthier, happier you.

With reports from Kyla Marie B. Cuba