WE often say that our family is our greatest ally in the world. With our parents, we gain someone to accept and love us unconditionally. We have our siblings as our immediate supporter and friend.
However, it is not always the case in every home that is built on different foundations. There are unfortunate circumstances where people found no confidence and opportunity opening up personal issues and unpleasant topics to their own families.
Some are more comfortable sharing to friends and peers; sometimes even the presence of strangers comes less troubling than facing the family. Whether it’s the fear of disappointing the people you most value, awaiting judgement, or the individual pressure that blocks one’s ability to speak.
Rodilyn Banania, 25, being the eldest daughter, forged independence within her as she reached adulthood. Her relationship with her family was primarily influenced by an environment that hardly expresses their affections.
“Sakto lang,” she said, implying her level of closesses to her family.
“Kasi panganay ako and as a panganay, mataas expectations sakin ng family ko na independent ako and ‘di masyado need ng atensyon. Kasi ‘di ako pinalaki sa pamilyang masyadong clingy or sagana sa emotional support,” she confessed.
It is a different story for Christa Angelick V. Malinao, 21, who has a tight-bond relationship with her family but suffers the same internal conflict.
“Yes, I would say we are close. We both have a physical and emotional presence in each other’s lives, especially in supporting each other through daily challenges,” she said.
“But being the eldest, there are times when I’m more comfortable showing “strength” than vulnerability. This doesn’t mean we’re not close, it’s just that I feel a responsibility to protect them from my worries,” Christa added.
The pressure of being the eldest child has enforced her the belief that weakness is something that she could never afford as well as failure.
“I’m afraid of disappointing them or making them worry about my future. Sometimes, I also think it’s easier to keep things to myself than to hear, ‘What happened? Why didn’t you tell us sooner?’— which would make me feel guilty for not living up to their expectations,” her additional concerns.
This scene points to the standard experience of being the eldest. There is a strong facade to maintain— to be seen as capable and independent.
Parents have different expectations to their children may it be as a way to acknowledge them or to push them to their potential. However, when expectations exceed one’s ability to manage, it becomes damaging.
Traumatic past also haunts Rodilyn’s present life, wavering her confidence to comfortably discuss subjects to her family.
“Based on my personal experience, it’s hard for me to open up with my own family due to childhood trauma that I got from them. Totoo na mahirap maka move on sa mga memories ng pagkabata especially if those memories contained abusive acts which is not yet suitable for my age way back hanggang sa nadala ko pala habang tumatanda ako,” Rodilyn narrated.
This depicts the long-term effect of living in an abusive and toxic household. While acts of abuse may seem insignificant to those who inflicted it, the repercussions it falls upon the victim is consequential, eventually damaging the relationship with the family member that committed it.
Being a constant academic achiever, Christa is somehow convinced that showing signs of difficulties could taint the image that her parents primarily thought of her.
“Maybe about my academic struggles. I don’t want to make them think I’m not capable or that I’m not managing my studies well,” she said.
For Rodilyn, she is aware that opening up is a risk of being misunderstood and judged.
“Lastly, yung fear sa sasabihin nila sakin or baka ma-misinterpret nila yung sinasabi or perspective ko despite of delivering my messages in a calm way,” she noted.
Being used to self-reliance creates its own issues. Christa and Rodilyn have mastered the art of independence that disclosing outside the facade they have established becomes stressing. That they could be judged for their vulnerabilities and weak points.
After being independent for some time, Rodilyn learned to keep her private battles as well as taking the responsibility to handle it herself. Especially when it comes to financial matters, health problems, and her gender identity, she would try desperately to carry it to her limit.
“It’s way too many to mention how many secrets or untold stories of mine I kept for long. Kasi mostly, kaya ko naman ‘yun alone,” she admitted.
The same goes to Christa who learned to endure her academic and financial stress by herself.
“When I was struggling with my thesis or final requirements, I didn’t tell them how stressed I was. I pretended I could handle everything so they wouldn’t worry. Also, sometimes, I don’t tell them how difficult it is to budget my allowance or if I have school expenses that I can’t cover,” Christa discussed.
Both have avoided unpleasant topics to be discussed in front of their families. The habit of pressuring themselves to handle every challenge that arises because they convinced themselves that they could do it becomes a repetitive and unhealthy cycle for both of them. It eliminates the significance of family intervention and support.
When disclosing, it becomes a calculated procedure on Rodilyn’s part. Essentially, she evaluates her parents’ mental capacity and readiness before exposing them to the weight of her problems. She took it as her responsibility to steer her loved ones from further concerns that her personal issues might render and add to the family scene.
“May mga times talaga na ‘di maiiwasan na maglihim with my family especially kung mga ganap na tingin ko mag a-add lang ng fuel sa situation or burden sa emotion. Like pinapakiramdaman ko muna yung emotional state ng mama or dad ko. If ramdam ko na goods sila, that’ll be my way to open up. But if I felt like, mainit yung ulo nila, ako na mismo iiwas lalo na at ina-assess ko rin yung state and emotional well-being ng parents ko,” she said.
Christa has the same sentiment of wanting to exclude her family from the trouble of her own problems.
From her words, “I feel like I need to be the “strong one” and not burden them with my problems.”
Indeed, no one wants to give their families something to worry about. Sharing your problems is a pressuring and distressing process but it requires openness to it. While this practice is a careful approach and the intention is noble, their hesitations hinders their opportunity to be open and honest to their families.
Despite having a complicated family history, luckily, Rodilyn has a loving girlfriend to make up for the comfort and lightness that is unavailable in her family.
“My girlfriend. Yes of course, she’s enough to fix my problem even though she’s staying and working in another part of the country. She always makes sure I eat enough, I have money, and make sure I’m happy with my life right now away from negativities,” she said.
Christa held onto her friends with their genuine bond as well as her faith in God to seek the support she needs. It is a foundation that requires less challenge when speaking to them.
“I confide in my close friends and, most importantly, I pray and talk to God. My friends offer a listening ear and support, and sometimes help brainstorm solutions. With God, I find comfort, peace, and a sense of being understood without judgment. It’s easier to be vulnerable with them because there’s less pressure to be strong and they offer unconditional support,” she stated.
It goes to show that a family could not be limited and defined in blood or origin. Partners and friends could provide the same acceptance and reception when the primary source is missing. These individuals while not bound in blood could create a long-lasting bond that fosters a high amount of trust and comfort that makes sharing natural and less stressful.
It is vital to have someone to talk about your issues and problems freely. For Rodilyn and Christa, they have their own social support from girlfriend, friends, and even God to seek support. It provides them an opportunity to breathe and release at certain points.
But the importance of family involvement still could not be diminished.
Christa knows that opening up to her family is an ideal step towards self-improvement which unfortunately is an issue that may take her long to overcome.
“I think it would be beneficial to share more with my family, but it’s a difficult step. I know they love and support me, and their perspective could be valuable. A stronger bond based on honesty and vulnerability would be ideal, but I still struggle with overcoming the feeling of needing to always appear strong and capable in their eyes,” she expressed.
But for Rodilyn, she managed to bridge the gap between her family by slowly disclosing little details about herself that she once deprived from her family.
“Then hanggang sa naoovercome ko na pala yung distance towards them. Na namamalayan ko na lang na ay nagrarant na pala ako, nag o-open up na pala ako which is ‘di ko pinagdamot na maramdaman kasi it feels great pala kapag pinapakinggan ka ng mga taong gusto mong pinapakinggan ka,” she expressed.
Disclosing problems for individuals who are mainly independent with strong personas is like admitting defeat. That is even made more challenging when it is your family listening on the next line. It costs nothing yet it seems like one of the most difficult encounters one could face. The individual pressure, fear of judgement and disappointment, and distant relationship altogether creates this block.
Refusing to open up lessens the bond of a family. Ironically, the reason why some people refuse to share their issues is because it could cause imbalance to the family relationship. But the more one restrains themselves from honesty, the more it causes distance in their relationship. Exposing your weak points to your family neither sway their opinions nor damage the bond but only deepens their knowledge of you as a person. One should not deprive their family of this kind of opportunity.
While every family is different; a true family never abandons their member in their darkest moments. There is no judgement in a family; parents treat their children’s problems as their own. It is admirable that some could handle their problems on their own but if there is a chance that a family could lend a hand, why would one refuse it? Facing a problem seems lighter when you have someone to share it with without hesitation.
Most have overlooked it but vulnerability offers a distinct comfort especially when you let out your true selves and emotions to the people who have loved and accepted you since the beginning. When a person becomes vulnerable to the right people, like sharing your issues to your family, it provides an opening for problems not to nurture within a person but to be addressed and resolved.
Opening up is freeing yet it is courage. So, people who keep their personal problems from their families should neither be criticized nor forced to do so.
Evidently from the experience of Rodilyn, it requires the right time and willingness to welcome her family in the hideous moments of her life.
“It’s a step-by-step process to communicate with my family since I’m really having a hard time with them based on the environment I grew up in. But now, hindi magbabago yung situation kung di ako yung unang nag approach. So, yeah there’s really a big improvement.”
At the end of the day, it is the unconditional love of our family that catches our backs when we are to fall. It is comforting to think that even with all the challenges and hideousness that the world has to offer, we still have a seat at dinner, a bed to sleep on, and a family to welcome us.
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