#ModernLove: When is it Okay to be Touched; When is it Okay Not to be Touched?

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LOVE: It is the intimate feeling of one caressing your hair affectionately, the touching of two damp lips craving one another, and the warm embrace as two bodies meet each other’s soul. Physical intimacy is as crucial as oxygen to a human in a romantic relationship.

Science has something to say about this!

It turns out, every human has a natural-occurring hormone in the brain called oxytocin, or as many liked to call it, the love drug. It is beneficial in relationships as it improves connection, empathy, trust, and social recognition— strengthening the dynamic of a couple if released regularly. But in enhancing it, it requires intimacy and the sense of touch, mundanely existing in a series of activities on a day to day basis. Basically, it is the survival of a relationship.

More than the science itself, intimacy in a couple fuels affection and marks legitimacy to a relationship. For lovers, it can be an expression of love— a way to lay out their feelings in habitual yet sentimental actions. Like the random pinching to your partner to steal his attention, the cuddles a pair shares in comfort, doing regular hugs, and running into playful tickles.

In today’s informed society, the concept of consent is emphasized as a basic relationship etiquette. Modern relationships are painted not purely of romance but with mutual respect to personal spaces and boundaries. A man’s aggression and coercion to his partner is deemed inappropriate, legally and morally; the same goes if the genders were reversed.

One cannot assume that a non-consensual act is welcomed unless consulted and agreed with full consciousness. Being in one party does not guarantee taking an individual right to bodily autonomy.

Therein lies the question: when is it okay to be touched?

Gen Z couples have their unique way of showing intimacy to their partners.

Lycka Mendeja, 24, from a common-law marriage, shared her usual intimate moment with her eight-year partner whom she has been living with ever since.

“Kami kasi as partners, we’re not both showy or even sweet. We build our relationship as more barkada’s treat but as a couple. But when it comes to physical intimacy, I love back hugging, cuddles, and “gigils.” She chuckled. “Or we can say skin-skin touching.”

This emphasizes the unique dynamic to different relationships. While others can act romantic as much as they want, some value friendship in their romance.

For Jamaeca Carisiosa, 22, coming from an almost three years of romance discussed her approaches.

“My way of physical intimacy with my partner is through hugging, cuddling with him, holding hands and kissing,” she said.

Everyone in a relationship has their own way of communicating their affection. As for her, the clingy side often comes favorable in the relationship.

For more than a year of relationship, alias Kai, 23, has been content with the simplest activities that she invests in with her partner.

“Tutal isa sa love language ko naman is quality time, example building legos. Masaya na ako dun kasi quality time, nag spend na sya ng time kasama ako, nag effort na siya para sabayan ang trip ko, and nakikita ko naman na nag eenjoy siya na happy ako… Tsaka yung simpleng kwentuhan namin is form of intimacy namin tapos syempre konting physical touch na kasama dahil ‘di araw araw magkasama dun na lang nabawi,” she narrated.

This demonstrates that common activities like playing with legos are not the most trivial in a relationship. It helps couples communicate with each other in a fun and healthy way.

Regardless, being intimate should be placed under proper timing and set-up.

Lycka Mendeja put emphasis on mutual comfort when engaging in physical intimacy.

“For me, anytime naman ‘yan is pwede especially when you’re both comfortable and emotionally connected. Mahalaga kasi is ‘yung comfort-ability niyo to each other and kung mahal niyo ba talaga ang isat-isa.” She laughed. “But should have limitations pa rin.”

Jamaeca Carisiosa has demonstrated a show of trust to her partner but still wary of the external circumstances.

“For me, the right timing is when we are together but in the right place,” she said.

As per Kai, physical intimacy comes as natural as seeing each other.

“‘Yung sa timing naman is, ‘di naman kami lagi magkasama araw-araw. So parang once a week lang kami magkita. Edi kapag magkasama automatic ayon dun magkayakap etc.,” she noted.

While these relationships vary from the span of time it started, physical intimacy plays out as a natural habit of showing love and affection in different forms of conscious actions unique to one individual. Like the usual hugging, kissing, holding hands, spending quality time, or other activities that a couple partake in together. It is testament that love is growing and thriving.

From the relationships above, more than the mere romance, there are factors that are already established such as trust, connection, attachment and familiarity which makes intimacy an affectionate yet respectful routine.

When is it okay not to be touched?

Lycka has been considerate of emotional problems before engaging into intimacy.

“First of all, syempre, when your partner experiences hard times, like depression or stress. ‘Wag dapat natin sabayan ‘yung mga ganung scenario sa buhay… At syempre ‘yung case na may trust issue na tayo or lacking of trust sa partner, wala na kasi siyang intimacy pag ganun. ‘Yun siguro ‘yung masasabi kong hindi right time for physical intimacy,” she explained.

Also, this recognizes her ability to recognize ethical intimacy. Acting intimate while trust is absent do not count morally as a form of intimacy.

While Jamaeca shared the inappropriate conditions for intimacy.

“Kapag nasa public place and maraming tao,” she said.

This portrays a respectful behavior to the surrounding a relationship is placed. No matter how comfortable and complacent a couple is to one another, for Jamaeca, it does not permit a public show of intimacy that may deem uncomfortable to other people.

For Kai, overwhelming emotions personally draws a line for physical contact.

“Para sakin lang is kapag overstimulated ako sa labas lalo kapag galing school or may errands na medyo nastress ako, ayoko muna na hinahawakan ako. Ok na ako sa simpleng gesture na nagpapaalam na nandyan ka pero di ako kukulitin. Di rin ako comfortable sa physical intimacy kapag may away kami sa isa’t-isa kasi medyo syempre high yung emotions ko. And sa public di rin ako masyado expressive in terms of physical intimacy,” she discussed.

This sets the limitation in a relationship. While it is true that a couple share love and bond that makes them one, still, they have their own individuality, personal space and emotions that may require a private time. It can be a healthy method to help each other process emotions and understand themselves which in turn may help their relationships nurture.

To answer the questions, when is it okay to be touched and when is it not?

For a couple, everyday can be a reason to touch. But it warrants a profound amount of trust, sense of familiarity, the feeling of being valued and respected from the actions, and the proper timing. They are key factors to the doors of intimacy. The span of a relationship can define the level of comfort that one may feel towards intimacy.

While it may be true that physical intimacy may seem normal to couples, it is also important to remember that there are certain limitations that no label of relationships can ensure. The emotional state, level of trust along with the outside factors must be considered before engaging into intimate behaviors. The simple asking requires no discomfort. Couples must have self-awareness and understand the value of consent no matter how attached and comfortable they are to one another.

Basically, physical intimacy neither defines the quality of a relationship nor is it considered a relationship requirement. But it certainly has a positive influence on culminating attachment, bond and affection in relationships. Indeed, intimacy is important, for to be touched is to be loved, but is it still considered as love when it is unwarranted?