#ModernLove: Sayaw sa Saliw ng Unang Pag-Ibig: Lessons From The First Heartbreak

YOU have probably heard this line a thousand times before: Everyone has their own firsts in everything. It is almost cringe and too cliche to open in a statement like this, but there is a good catch in saying somethings where everyone can agree on.

Just like about the story of our first heartbreaks.

There is always one heartbreak that will often be remembered like an unwanted ghost who suddenly pops out of nowhere. Like an old movie your mind keeps on playing. A “lumang tugtugin” that transports you back to where fields in the countryside become blue in rapid succession. Where the city lights suddenly changed their colors.

Friends were asking how you were, and all you could ever think was the nagging pain it caused you and a bunch of questions that probably hound you still. Letters on the mailbox outside frequently come after the other, while your account is bombarded, sadly none from that specific person.  

Guess you didn’t mean what you wrote in that song about me…

While we know it all happens for multiple reasons why, the past was left from where it belongs—to the pages where the story ends. Guess the flowers and poems dedicated to us were real until the meanings eventually faded along with the feelings it was carrying.

First love is somewhat a world full of exploration. At some point, do we actually know what love means when we are so young and excited to experience things? 

Of all the few of the people whom I reached out to, many politely declined to share their experiences. Presumably scared or too jaded to open the doors to the past. Which I truly agreed on. It could be tormenting. Not again, pouring salt to the wound trying to mend. 

“She’s my first girlfriend. I wasn’t out at that time. Walang courage na sabihin sa family na I’m bisexual. I was young, of course people will think that I’m only having existential crisis, na it’s just a phase and eventually grow out from it,” Alias “Rhea,” a 22-year-old, bravely shared her first heartbreak experience. 

“Eventually nalaman nila Mama na I have a girlfriend, and obviously she’s not happy about it. She told me na makipaghiwalay. But I did not. However she cheated. We’re not from the same school so I don’t have any idea about it. Tiwala ako na mahal niy ako, na behind all her efforts, she’s committed to the relationship. Yet, she cheated. It was a facade all along,” she continued. 

Coming back to our first heartbreak is hard, even an understatement. It is like waking up the agony that was long asleep. Triggering the crippling affliction that was long buried and locked somewhere in our mind.

And to revisit the reasons of the wounds that bruised our memories and significant chapters of life means recollecting the courage from pieces to walk again to that same road after hesitantly walking away from it before. 

“When I was in my first year of college, it was my first serious relationship. Pero as an engineering student, my studies took up so much of my time that I didn’t realize I was slowly neglecting my partner. She broke up through chat.” Jericho Rivares (22) said as he described how his first heartbreak happened.

Unfortunately, there is no Ctrl Z to undo the past or rewind button to have the chance to better the situation. What was done was done.

“I had my first heartbreak when I was in highschool. I would say, it ended badly and beautifully. It’s beautiful in a way that despite being too young and immature for love at that time, I’ve learned to love myself more. And bad because unfortunately my trust has been betrayed,” said  by a 22-year-old, Belle Medina.

Lessons from our first heartbreak will try to teach us to gradually allow ourselves to free our minds and souls to avoid the act of dwelling in the past, to instead give ourselves chances to rebrand the shattered fibers of our being from the lessons we are fated to encounter and experience.

Support from friends, self-love as coping mechanisms

Having friends to support our decisions is an important factor in coping up with grief, betrayal, loss and sadness. Knowing there are people who are willing to listen as we bare ourselves with all the strength left to us and the apparent vulnerability that dominates our system. According to Rhea and Belle, spending time with friends who know and accept us is vital.

“Apart from that, self-love and care are coping techniques for me since I know my value and worth, and having self-awareness helps me to see that I don’t deserve to be abused in that way,” Belle explained.

Finding outlets to focus on and spend our time became one of the ways where Rhea and Jerico found their way again to proceed with life. As they cope with their first heartbreak, it was their academics that saved them. 

Lessons from first heartbreak

Realizing the real essence of love is understanding that one could not love others without loving ourselves enough. It is not all about cupcakes and rainbows. Learning how to stand for ourselves sets the game. It is giving ourselves the chance to run when needed. Having a prepared umbrella when the rain came and poured hard. 

Having a space to see ourselves growing without the presence of other people is the greatest lesson a heartbreak could ever teach us. We are changing for the better. Not to please other people, but for us. We tend to be bolder.

This time, we can change the narrative and apply the lessons we have acquired upon experiencing heartbreak.

“My first heartbreak taught me that self-love is self-respect. I learned to stand up and walk away from the table that disrespects me. Self-love isn’t selfishness at all,” Rhea emphasized. “I learned to navigate my next relationship better. I applied the lessons I’ve learned. I stopped being idealistic unlike sa una kong relationship where I felt that everything was like fairy tales, all rainbows and sunshines,” she further explained.

For her, relationships should be approached realistically. She learned from her mistakes, hoping to not repeat them again to her next relationship.

Similarly, it is definitely a lesson-learned experience for Jerico. The kind of knowledge which he surely would remember in his next relationship. His first heart-break taught him to learn that love is not just about being present in name but making your partner feel loved, seen, and valued, even when life gets hectic. “It also showed me that some relationships end not because the love is gone, but the effort isn’t enough,” said Jerico.

Love is bound to break us anyway. 

“A notable lesson is not to give that person your everything. Allow yourself to remember that you need to leave some love for yourself, so that if you get hurt you won’t be completely damaged and may start over and move on.”

The only person that will probably not abandon us is us. In the end, we take risks because we are ready for the consequences. Or maybe not.

At the first time of a heartbreak, we see it as our failure. We were left behind.  Or we were the ones who decided to walk away first. However, the first time we experienced the pain of first love, it brought lessons that we carry with us until we open our hearts again to try once more.

Love is a gamble.  Where we are willing to bet everything, just to win or to experience happiness even for a moment.

As we revisit the memories we almost buried in oblivion, it is also delightful to think again that for the first time, we experienced the various images and music it brought. There are smiles on the lips, grateful for the story of yesterday.

With reports from Ivory Jade Q. Guizon