#ModernLove: Loving Yourself is Escaping from People-pleaser Phase

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WE all go through a phase when we want everyone to like us so we do everything even if it is not what we truly want. We became someone who just followed what others would say so that they would not hate us. But little did we know, we are becoming a people-pleaser.

Making Friends

The main reason why people are becoming a people pleaser is because they want to make friends. We believe that making friends would help us feel less lonely because we have someone who will be there for us.

Elaine, 21, who was once a people pleaser said that she is trying so hard to fit in. “Parang ginagawa ko yung isang bagay kasi ‘yon yung gusto nila. Alam ko na matutuwa sila kapag ginawa ko ‘yon at magugustuhan nila ako kaibiganin.”

Joanna Hadap, 21, mentioned that she became a people pleaser when she felt like she didn’t have enough friends. “Parang to build a relationship with them, ayon naging people pleaser si ate,” she said.

But making friends with others fitting ourselves to the standard and expectation of others would make us lose ourselves and suffer internally. Doing the things that you do not like will make you feel that something is wrong. And soon after, you will be confused.

Losing Oneself

When you are in a people pleaser phase, you tend to believe the self-concept that others say about you. Elaine said that she believed what other people say about her. “Parang naga-gaslight ba ako na ganito ganyan ako. Minsan nga rin kapag tinatanong ako kung sino ako, hindi ko talaga alam ang asabihin ko.”

Likewise, Joanna had the same experience as Elaine. She noticed herself being a people pleaser when others started having an expectation towards her. “For example is sa school kasi namin before, I was known as someone na very prim and proper so parang yun na yung naging persona ko although hindi naman talaga ako gano’n lagi in real life,” she said.

Both Elaine and Joanna were gaslighted into someone they are not which makes them believe that it is their persona. This can affect the way they think of themselves. The persona that others have formed can be very different from their true selves.

Pleasing Others More Than Yourself

Another thing that you do when you are a people pleaser is you please others more than yourself. You tend to neglect your own wants and desires just to please others. This could affect your emotion negatively due to the feeling of dissatisfaction.

For Elaine, she would always seek to other’s decisions first before asking herself about what she really wants. “Kung ano gusto nila, ganon na lang din sa akin. I would always do what they say even if it’s uncomfortable.”

Joanna, on the other hand, stated that she started doing the things that would look good to others even if she does not want to do it. “I was afraid to make mistakes and I also don’t want to disappoint my teachers.”

Realization

Due to the feeling of dissatisfaction and the feeling that something is wrong, people would start to question themselves. They will realize the actions that they’ve been doing, leaving only the room to grow and them valuing their self-worth.

Elaine pointed that people have different preferences. “Kahit ano naming gawin ko para magustuhan ako ng iba parang hindi posible mangyari. Aminin na natin na iba-iba naman talaga tayo ng gusto. May masasabi at masasabi pa rin talaga sila sa atin. Others would still make us feel that we’re out of place. Others would make us feel na ayaw talaga nila sa atin through their actions.”

For Joanna, there are things that we cannot control and these are the people’s opinions. “I started to believe that I know myself more than they know me so why care about what other people would say. And, I think it’s so much better to show your authenticity towards other people rather than just showing them what they want to see.”

Change

After the realization are the changes that happen after going through being a people pleaser. The reason why people change is because they already experienced it and do not like the feeling. They will change themselves and try not to be on the same page again. Change is the key to escape from being a people pleaser.

Elaine stated that she changed into someone who just listened to what others were saying and decided for herself whether something is good or bad for her. “If it is good, it’s okay. But if it is bad, I will not do it. And whether others would like it or not, I didn’t pay too much attention to it anymore. I realized that it’s more important that I get to do the things I like. This time, I did not let others tell me who I am because I should know myself better than anyone.”

Just like Elaine, Joanna took care of herself more after the experience. “I value my personal space and me time so much more than the old me could’ve imagined. I also started doing skincare and showering myself with compliments every time I feel pretty and whenever I feel down, I’m always the first person to hug and comfort myself,” she said.

Experiences really do change people for better or for worse. Due to this experience, we were able to build a better version of ourselves. There is nothing wrong being a people pleaser, it is a phase we all go through when we were younger. It is a phase where we can realize many things and grow as an individual. It is where we can learn lessons about ourselves.

Another way to love yourself is escaping from the people pleaser phase. After going through this phase, you can be yourself confidently. Moreover, you will love yourself better and value your self-worth. Lastly, you will have that sense of freedom to express yourself without thinking of what others would say about you.

When you feel like you’re not being yourself because you’re following other people’s expectations of you, you might be in this phase. You might need to reflect on yourself and realize the actions that you’ve been doing. Being a people pleaser once is okay. But twice, it would be too bad and it should not happen. When you’ve already experienced it once, you should have known better.