The Four Behaviors That Predict a Breakup—and How Science Can Help You Avoid Them

SOMETIMES, we don’t see it coming. It often starts with small, unnoticed behaviors that grow overtime— a slow, steady pattern that eventually leads to an explosion like a volcano.

Breakups aren’t always caused by dramatic fights or sudden events. More often they’re the product of these subtle, repeated actions that erode the foundation of a relationship. A sarcastic comment here, a dismissive eyeroll there, or a tendency to tune out during important conversations could build up over time and lead to an emotional explosion and a break up.

Relationships are difficult and sometimes, we are often blinded by our emotions that we don’t notice the warning signs clearly. 

But can we turn to science to help us predict— and avoid— breakups?

Many studies have been conducted on this subject matter, and it’s no surprise why. People are naturally fascinated with the inner workings of a romantic relationship—how they thrive, how they falter, and why they end.

Yet the most famous of these studies was the one made by John Gottman which he charmingly coined as The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. 

The Four Horsemen and the Apocalypse

Perhaps no one is more renowned in the field of relationship science than John Gottman, a distinguished American psychologist and researcher who pioneered the study of relationship dissolution prediction and longevity.

In the 1990s, Gottman and his colleagues set out to study newlyweds in their so-called “love lab”. They put these couples under strict instructions not to talk to each other for over eight hours. 

Once in the lab, the couples were instructed to proceed with three 15-minute conversations concerning different topics: one about the day’s event, another focusing on a marital conflict, and then finally, one pleasant topic. 

They were observed carefully and their conversations were coded accordingly to their manners, behaviors, and emotional responses. 

Several years had passed before the couples were contacted again to determine who among them remained married and who ended up in separation or divorce. 

When they got the result, Gottman went back to his record of their coded behaviors. From there, he identified a set of cues that could have played out with the outcome of the divorce. 

It was then that he conceptualized the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. This title stemmed from Biblical imagery of the Four Horsemen which are metaphors for the signs of an impending doom. 

In the context of his studies, these four horsemen serve as metaphors to describe the four destructive behaviors that predict the end of a relationship. They represent the negative patterns of communication and behavior that, if left unchecked, can lead to the “death” of the partnership. Each could undermine the trust, intimacy, and emotional connections between couples. 

Criticism

Criticism is one of the four Horsemen identified by Gottman. But his take on criticism goes beyond a simple complaint that can be constructive, but rather a vicious attack on one’s partner. 

Gottman calls this ‘global complaints’ in which instead of focusing on a particular behavior, the person targets the partner as a whole. For example, instead of criticizing your partner’s behavior of not washing the dishes, you attack their entire personality by labelling them as lazy. 

This creates a tone of blame and judgment. According to Gottman, using phrases such as “you always do this”, or “you never listen to me”, implies that one’s partner is inherently flawed instead of just their behavior. 

Contempt

Contempt is the second Horseman and it is characterized as the most harmful of the four. It involves the feeling of superiority which often leads to disrespect. 

When your partner feels contemptuous, they have this notion that they are a higher authority than you, or possibly more ‘right’ than you. Gottman refers to this as the “attitude of disgust”. It’s when one partner conveys disdain or disrespect, and often involves sarcasm, mockery, or belittling comments.

In Gottman’s research, contempt was shown to be the number one predictor of divorce. He found that contemptuous behaviors—such as eye-rolling, sneering, or name-calling—communicate a profound lack of respect and can poison the relationship.

Defensiveness

The third horseman is defensiveness. It occurs when one partner refuses to take responsibility for their part in a conflict. Often, it is an instinct that comes from feeling ‘attacked’, and Gottman describes it as a way of warding off blame. 

When someone feels defensive, they are prone to making excuses, denying responsibility, and or counterattacking— things that only escalate the conflict. 

For example, instead of hearing the partner’s complaint, they might say, “I’m only like this because you always do X,” or “It’s not my fault you’re upset.” 

Defensiveness prevents open communication, as it deflects attention away from the issue and prevents resolution.

Stonewalling

Stonewalling occurs when one’s partner shuts down emotionally or experiences emotional withdrawal during a conversation. This is a classic response to feeling overwhelmed or flooded by emotions. It’s a way to avoid conflict and cope with physiological distress. 

When someone stonewalls, they might give monosyllabic responses, avoid eye contact, or physically leave the situation. 

This may be detrimental to the relationship as it prevents the opportunity to resolve the problem and let your voice be heard. 

The Antidote

If you experience this in your relationship then worry not, because when Science identifies the problem, it always tries to find a solution as well. 

In his study, Gottman also offers antidotes for each destructive behavior, designed to improve communication and help couples navigate the difficulty of their relationship.

For example, when criticizing your partner, it’s better to focus on expressing specific complaints about their behavior. 

Gottman suggests that rather than saying “You’re so lazy,” try saying, “I feel overwhelmed when the dishes are left undone. Can we work together to make sure they’re done by the end of the day?”

This expression limits your criticism around your partner’s behavior, not a global judgement of their entire personhood. It also keeps the conversation focused on finding a solution. 

For contempt, Gottman suggests that the couple should build their relationship on the culture of respect and appreciation. 

Would it really hurt so bad if, from time to time, you recognize your partner’s positive qualities and actions? Would it be difficult to acknowledge your partner’s effort and recognize the little things they did for you? 

Fostering respect and appreciation is the key to managing contempt. 

Meanwhile, for defensiveness, the antidote is clear: take responsibility and own up to your mistakes. Gottman advised the couples to adopt a culture of accountability instead of pointing fingers. 

For example, instead of saying, “I wouldn’t have done that if you hadn’t…” try saying, “You’re right, I could have handled that situation better.” 

Taking responsibility creates an environment where both partners feel heard and respected, making it easier to resolve the conflict.

Lastly, stonewalling can be resolved by ‘self-soothing’. This refers to taking a break when the person is overwhelmed during heated moments. 

Gottman recommends taking a 20-minute break when you feel yourself emotionally withdrawing from the situation. But the key here is to return to the conversation once you feel more in control of yourself. 

Practicing mindfulness, deep breathing, or taking a walk can help reduce physiological arousal and re-engage in the conversation in a more constructive way.

How Science helps relationships

Science isn’t just something you read about in textbooks—it’s a powerful tool we can use to make our relationships stronger. Just like how we’d use data to improve our products or strategy, we can apply the insights from John Gottman’s research to fine-tune how we connect with others.

Gottman’s work proves that relationships aren’t just about love at first sight. They’re also about learning how to communicate, how to listen, and how to show up for each other everyday. 

So why not harness scientific power in this way? By applying proven and tested methods, we turn our relationships into something more intentional, more grounded, and more fulfilling. 

After all, in the end, love is not all about the feelings but the hard work you put in to make it last.