LIKE many people my age, my first instinct upon waking up in the morning is to check my phone for any notifications from friends, emails from my school, and the like. Additionally, I am someone with a keen interest in paying attention to current events, which means that I also check Twitter for the news.

Lately, these morning scrolls have been laced with anxiety and dread, as political tensions rise under a new Marcos regime. I’ve read my fair share of history, and the thought of it repeating itself is terrifying.

As someone who’s been interested in history since I was younger, I know that that name meant bad news.

I was 8 when Cory Aquino died, and I remember it being big news. Back then I didn’t know who she was or her significance, but constantly watching the news with my parents and babysitter certainly helped me briefly understand the history. 

The history curriculum back when I was in grade school had us studying all of the presidents in chronological order, up to then-President Noynoy Aquino. I was so fascinated about the presidents, reading earnestly the pages of my 5th grade history textbook, soaking in all the information I could. 

I was exposed to politics and history on a deeper level when I entered Senior High School at De La Salle University – Manila. SHS was the time that I realized that what I knew about either side of history was on the surface level. I had some misconceptions that were later corrected. 

Growing awareness

It was around 2018 when I really started being more politically aware, thanks to the various educational activities and seminars that my school held, as well as my peers who shared what they knew. I began to participate in events such as the Philippine Model Congress and Filipino Youth Summit, which led me to learn even more, and have even more peers that are socio-politically aware. 

I remember that during the prolonged 2020-early 2022 lockdown, I thought that the fact that I got to experience a time of somewhat curtailed freedom was rather scary. To think that that was just around two years, but people under Martial Law experienced something even worse for around nine years.

I have a quirk in me where I latch onto a topic and fixate on it, meaning that I learn everything that I can about that topic in a short period of time–usually a year.

Lately, I’ve been somewhat fixated on the first Marcos era(again), and have since tried to learn everything about it. I even dragged along my mom and my family friend–who used to be my babysitter–to watch Katips. I don’t know if it’s anxiety that made me latch onto this topic now, but upon reading up on some of the stories of some Martial Law victims, I came to the realization that if I was around back then, I would’ve also been targeted.

Is the worst yet to come?

I still vividly remember the anxious air of the evening of May 9, when it was first revealed that Marcos Jr. was leading the polls. My group chats from school and fan communities exploded with people panicking and talking about history. 

Between that day and his inauguration last June 30, it took a while for it to sink in that I was going to be living under a Marcos regime. We really went from a guy who vaguely idolized Marcos Sr., straight to his literal son. It was a terrifying thought. I felt bad that we as a country failed the Martial Law victims who did their best to educate us about the realities of that era.

Today, as I start to witness firsthand the rise of impunity and human rights violations under the second Marcos regime, I begin to be anxious about what this could mean for me, my family, my friends, and my community in the near future. I fear that the worst is yet to come, and while all these stories from the first Marcos regime could help me prepare to an extent, it most likely will not be enough by the time I have to face a circumstance beyond my control.

I sometimes stay up at night worrying about all this. My family sometimes tells me that I worry too much, and while sometimes that’s true, I feel like this increased worry is really brought about by how uncertain things have been so far.

The worry in me also grows especially as I have close friends who are really active in progressive groups. I’m someone who strongly feels emotions, so I worry a lot about my friends and family in particular. 

And it’s not even just that side of the new Marcos regime that I’m getting worried about, but also the economic side of things, as I’ve read about how bad inflation got during the latter years of the first regime–and I fear that something similar might happen now. 

Today, inflation has been objectively getting worse recently, as the peso-dollar value rift grows wider. This meant that I now have to really budget the allowance that my parents give me. When I’m not eating with someone, I tend to order my food on delivery apps, and I have noticed how the prices increase, slowly but surely.

Even the delivery fees are getting pricier. I’m also a bookworm so, naturally, I love to buy books, both from here and abroad. The peso-dollar rift has affected not only my direct international purchases but also my local purchases since the bookstores themselves have to buy the books at higher prices due to the aforementioned widening peso-dollar rift.

Coping mechanisms

The way I tend to cope with all these fears and anxieties is to “laugh it off” in a nervous way. It’s a strange way to cope, I know, but oftentimes when things get rough, humor is really all we can have. But one can only do this so much before the anxieties return to overwhelm.

When that happens, I write. Whether it’s fan fiction of the Katips movie, or original poetry and stories, I find a way to express my growing fear and uncertainty about the future. When even that isn’t enough, I draw. During the prolonged lockdown, I would draw digital “vent art” which helped me express what I was feeling inside back then. I also wrote poems about my inner thoughts as I slogged through the lockdown. Those things I will continue to do through all these new waves of uncertainty.

It’s unfortunate that this constant barrage of anxiety and uncertainty will have to be our experience for the next N years, where N is a number greater than or equal to 6. 

The meta-anxiety of writing this is something I thought of as well. Why am I so outspoken despite being scared? Well, if you know me in real life, you know that I can’t shut up, to put it bluntly. I question everyone and everything. I say my thoughts and feelings about something or someone out loud. Essentially, I think out loud.

I like to think that this is just the natural evolution of that behavior, and frankly I do not see it as an inherently bad thing. People like me shouldn’t be punished for dissenting against what the government is doing, as dissent is a sign of an educated populace that thinks critically about actions, and a healthy democracy.